Robin Hood A Titans Parody
by raveastwandurt
Summary: basically a Robin Hood: Men In Tights remake now with actual chapters
1. Chapter 1

Robin Hood

A Titans Parody 

An Omega Draconus Production

Directed by dumas4

Edited by Scubamom21

We do not own Robin Hood, any parodies, Monty Python and The Holy Grail, or Nachos.

Act one

We open on a group of archers shooting flaming arrows onto the village of Jump City, setting it ablaze. Terra runs out of her house, panicking as it starts to burn.

"My house is on fire!" she screams, "My house is on fire!"

"Call the fire brigade!" screams Mas...in English oddly enough.

Suddenly, Menos arrives on a cart with 'Fire department' scrawled on its side

"There MUST be a better way of doing the credits!" signs Terra, ignoring the fact that no credits are running.

"That's right, everytime they do a flaming Robin Hood mo ..." Menos pauses, "parody of a parody, they burn our village down!"

The villagers all form together in a posse and stand in front of the screen.

"Leave us alone, Draconus!" they shout.

We cut to a scene in Jump City Forest, where Slade, Chang, Mad Mod, Mumbo and Brother Blood all hanging around in tights and the basic Robin Hood wardrobe.

"These are actually pretty comfortable", muses Slade.

"Promise me you won't EVER say that again", shivers Chang.

Suddenly, because the editor loves to torture, tutus appear unnoticed on them.

"Here's our cue!" says Mod as rap music starts.

"Yo, yo, yo", says Blood

"Check it out", say the others

Blood starts to rap as the others dance behind him

**Prince John and the Sheriff, they was runnin' the show**

**Raisin' the taxes, 'cause they needed the dough**

**A reign of terror took over the land**

**They were slamin' down the people just to feed the big man**

**I said hey**

The guys sing back in high voices

**Hey**

**I said hey, **sings Blood

**Hey**, sing the guys in low voices

**I said**, sings Blood

The men around him start dancing like the little ballerinas they are, all the while singing

**Hey nanny nanny and a ho ho ho**

Blood blinks at them before shaking his head, continuing with his rap

**The people were unhappy, morale was low**

**There had no place to turn to there was nowhere to go**

**They needed a hero, but no one could be found**

**'Cause Garfield was outta town**

**I said hey**

**Hey**, reply the guys, once again in high voices

**I said hey**, sings Blood

**Hey, **sing the guys

Blood takes a deep breath, prepared for the worst.

**I said**

He gets it as the guys dance stupidly again,

**Hey nanny nanny and a ho ho ho**

"I'm not getting paid enough for this", mutters Blood.

**He was put into the slammer by his human foe**

**And in a little while he would be no more**

**I said hey**

**Hey**, sing the high voiced guys.

**I said hey**, sings Blood.

**Hey**, sing the low-voiced guys.

**I said**, sings Blood.

The guys put on the daintiest dance that was ever danced by dainty-like people.

**Hey nanny nanny, hey nanny nanny, hey nanny nanny and a ho ho ho**

Blood sighs, before pointing at the screen.

**Check it out!**

Once the song is finished, the guys give a collective shiver.

"I feel so...violated", says Mumbo.

"Is my eye twitching?" asked Chang, twitching his eye. "...I think it's twitching!"

"Why are we wearing tutus?" asks Slade.

dumas4 walks in with a director's cap

"I got the cool job! Shut up all of you!", he gives an evil laugh, "..Draconus was right, this IS fun"


	2. Chapter 2

Act two

We go to a little prison in Africa. A door opens and Gar gets thrown into a wall, then pushed down a corridor. He is stopped by Menos just before walking over a grate carpeted with various people's feet sticking out. Menos walks over, lashing his whip over them all. We get to another area, where Gizmo is writing something on his scrolls. He looks up and smiles cheerfully at Gar.

"Ahhh hello, hello, welcome, welcome, to THE DUNGEON!", he grins, waving his hands happily

Gar watches, slightly bemused, as Gizmo jaunts up to him, still smiling as if he is in the happiest place on Earth.

"Hellooooo, I'm Gizmo, the dungeon keeper!", he smiles happily, "Allow me to show you to your cell".

He prances off towards a big heavy door, which is opened by men with cloths on their heads. Gizmo passes through with no problem, but Gar bangs his head on the top of the doorway)

"Duck", says Gizmo, then looks at a slightly concussed Gar, "I always forget about that".

"Look, Jean-Luc, stars", says Gar, blinking dozily.

Gizmo looks at Gar 's attire and shakes his head

"I'm sorry, but we can't seat you without the proper attire", he says, gesturing to the rest of the inmates, "See?"

We pan the dungeon, where all the prisoners have big, long beards..including the women.

"I got facial fur, does that count?" asks Gar hopefully.

Gizmo regards him for a moment.

"No".

He clicks his fingers and Menos hangs a false beard from Gar's ears.

"Ahhh, that's much better!", he says, "Now I leave you in the capable hands of Plasmus, he's our head guard".

Plasmus walks up and growls at Gar

"We gave him some more toxic sludge ...it may have affected his brain", whispers Gizmo, then adds out loud, "And if there's anything you require, please don't hesitate to scream!".

A loud scream echoes through the complex

"Coming!", says Gizmo cheerfully, "We're so busy!".

He happily walks off, leaving Gar looking rather worriedly at a drooling Plasmus

"Follow me", growls Plasmus, lathering Gar in goo.

They walk off, Gar wiping the ooze from his eye

"Please sit", says Plasmus, pointing at a bench

Gar does as he is told and sits down next to Krall

"Garfield of Logan, where is your King?", growls Plasmus

"King, King?", asked Gar, blinking innocently, "And which King might that be? King Richard, King Louis, King Kong, Larry King?".

"Impertinent English...", Plasmus pauses, "err American Cat! You shall talk!".

"I don't think so", smirks Gar smugly.

" Krall, please, the tongue looseners", says Plasmus with an evil grin.

Terra, Mas and Jinx cover their ears, eyes and mouth respectively. Krall hands Plasmus a pair of long pliers, which he uses to grab Gar's tongue.

"Speak you feline coward, speak!", shouts Plasmus, "oooh this is fun"

Gar morphs into a cat and says "Meow."

"No morphing!" shouts dumas4.

Plasmus starts to pull with the tongue loseners, stretching out Gar 's tongue

"Stretchy, stretchy!", laughs Plasmus as he poings it back and then says something in villain to Krall.

"What did he say?", asks Gar, now speaking with a bit of a lisp.

Krall looks at him in pity before starting to walk away.

"...You don't wanna know".

Krall drags Gar away, and sits him on a bench next to Flash, chaining his feet to a pole going around the bottom of the bench.

"You're very brave for a American idiot", comments Flash.

"Err...thank you?", tries Gar

"I have been in this place for a while, perhaps I can be of some service to you", he offers.

"Er, no thanks", grimaces Gar.

"Do you have any questions?" asks Flash.

Gar watches him carefully.

"What are you in for?".

Flash gives him a deadpan look before turning away

"Jaywalking".

"Oh", says Gar, "...I see".

Krall walks away and Gar examines his chains

"I could just morph out of this...".

"You're not allowed to!", snaps dumass4 from his directors chair.

"Oh, damn it!", snaps Gar, "It's not going to be easy getting out of here. What we need is a great feat of strength".

He takes off his fake beard and strokes his fur-covered chin in thought. Flash suddenly realizes something

"Feat of strength?. Au contraire!", he says, "Now that you are here with me, what we have is great strength of feet!".

He nods proudly, while Gar looks at him blankly

"Don't follow", he replies.

"There's a surprise", he mutters, "Do as I do. Now put both feet on the bar".

They do so

"Now on the count of kick", he says, "KICK!".

They both kick and the bar falls down. They cheer happily, then heard the sound of Krall coming back. They panic and pull the bar back up, Gar putting his fake beard back on

"What was that noise?", says Krall, narrowing his eyes.

"Err..noise?", asks Gar, looking around, "noise?".

"The..the noise you heard was the breaking of this poor man's heart", says Flash quickly.

"Yes thats it..", says Gar, holding a hand to his chest dramatically, "ohhhh".

"What?", asks Krall, blinking

"He's decided to save his poor life by betraying his king", says Flash, shaking his head, "Tut tut".

"Yes that's it", says Gar, "Ohh damn my eyes".

He pauses, looking at his script.

"What's WRONG with my eyes!", he protests, "I have NICE eyes. Raven loves my eyes!"

"It was in the original script", dumas4 shrugs, "Draconus thought it was funny and kept it in"

"So go, go tell your superior before he changes his mind", says Flash, getting things back on track...assuming they HAD a track in the first place.

"Yeah!", says Krall happily, "This is a wonderful thing!".

"Go", says Flash with a smile

"It would mean a big promotion for me!", muses Krall

"Go", says Flash, waving his hands encouragingly.

Krall starts to walk away, before stopping and turning back

"Good news is always rewarded", he says

"FOR THE LOVE OF NACHOS! GO!", snarls Flash, before clearing his throat, "I mean..Please, go".

Krall starts to go up the steps and heads out of the door. Gar and Flash go to move the bar again, but Krall re-appears around the door, making them both sit casually. Gar crossing his legs and whistling, Flash propping his elbow on his knee and putting his chin in his hand

"Oh the other hand...bad news is severly punished".

He takes a moment to think about this, before dismissing it and leaving

"Now is our chance", says Flash

They both free themselves from the bar, standing up, moving to free the other prisoners.

"Quick, follow me", says Flash, "You get that chain, I'll get this one."

"Righty oh", says Gar, then frowns, "...man English accents are HARD!"

They run to either side of the wall and pull on the chains, freeing all the prisoners, who shout happily. They all run for the one grated window in the room. they use their shackles to hook onto the grate and pull themselves up the wall, they help each other out until they are all on the large window ledge

"Alright, on the count of three", says Flash

"One, two, three!", say the prisoners in unison.

They all push at the window, which just swings open, it was unlocked, with that, they all walk out onto flat land, congratulating each other on their freedom, Menos slams the grate window behind him. Krall suddenly runs in

"I just told him the good news..and...and...", he frowns, looking at the empty dungeon, "I'm in deep camel plop."

We go to a little later on in the day, on the beach; we see Melvin, Larry and Red Star racing along the beach on camels. They race past where Gar and Flash are standing on a hill

"It is a very long journey from Africa to Jump City, my friend", he says

"No kiddin'", says Gar dryly, "Well, I owe you a great debt of gratitude, my friend".

They shake hands

"I am called Garfield of Logan", he introduces himself

"My name's Asneeze", says Flash, "father of Achoo".

"Bless you", smiles Gar

"No no no, Achoo is my son", says Flash, "He's in Jump City...your town. He's an exchange student. I'd like you to look after him".

He pulls out a picture, which Gar puts into his pocket after a brief glance

"He is in need of guidance. He is headstrong and cocksure", Flash pauses, "..or is it the other way around?

"Say no more", says Gar, puffing out his chest, " I vow on the sacred word of Logan, I give you my undying pledge, my solemn oath on my father's honor, on the blood of my heart, on the word of my soul, on the very center of my being that nothing shall...".

"Good", Flash interrupts him before they all become comatose, "You must go now, or you will miss the tide".

Gar looks out to sea and nods

"Yes, yes… well. Farewell, my friend, and not to worry, I'll find Achoo".

With that, Gar shakes Flash's hand again and walks off, Flash waving him off

"Goodbye my friend. Farewell. Safe journey", he says.

As he waves him off Gar dives into the sea and starts to swim off. We see a little map, which shows him as a line of paw prints swimming from Africa all the way around to Jump City. He washes up on the shores of Jump City, a big Hollywood style sign saying 'Jump City' on the cliff.

"Home, home, Jump City!", sighs Gar, soaking wet and covered with seaweed.

Gar drops to his knees and kisses the sand, before realizing his mistake and spitting out a mouthful of the stuff

"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse", he wheezes, stumbling off.

"And cut, good work people", grins dumas4

"I think I swallowed a jellyfish", weezes Gar

"You'll be fine", says dumas4, waving a hand

"I'm finding it hard to breathe", says Gar, falling on the floor.

"There you go", says dumas4, patting the unconscious changeling on the head, "all you need is a good lie down."


	3. Chapter 3

Act three

A little while later, Gar is riding a horse with 'Rent a wreck' on its back. He has somehow found a whole new change of clothes, and is in the typical Robin Hood attire. He comes upon an area where Menos, Mas, Larry, Terra and Gizmo are beating up Cyborg. Gar pulls out the picture that Flash gave him and looks at it. It is pretty much wreaked after his 'swim' but you can just make out Cyborg grinning like an idiot.

"Achoo?", asks Gar

The losers pause in their beating to look up at Gar

"Bless you", they say in unison

They then carry on beating up Cyborg. Gar thinks this over for a second

"That must be him", he decides

Meanwhile, Cyborg has broken free of his captors and they surround him as they form a large circle. Gar runs in and joins the fight

"Watch my back", says Gar

Cyborg watches as Larry punches Gar twice in the back

"You're back just got punched", says Cyborg helpfully, "twice".

"Thanks", weezes Gar

Gar throws back a fist, tossing Larry away. Soon they both find themselves in the middle of all the losers, who are currently on the floor

"Hey, thanks man!" grins Cyborg

Gar holds out a hand

"You're welcome".

Instead of a handshake, Cyborg slaps Gar's hand. Gar looks at his hand before putting both hands on his hips

"Who are you anyway?" asks Cyborg

The rejects by now have all stood up and recovered, and are surrounding the pair

"I think now is not the time for introductions", says Gar

Everyone gets ready to fight when Cyborg suddenly makes a 'T' with his hands

"Time out. 'Scuse me bad guys. I am running out of air", he says, "Gotta get pumped".

He flips his wig back before stooping down to his trainers. He squeezes the tongues, which make little hissing sounds as everyone else watches dumbfounded. Cyborg finishes and smiles

"Ok, twits", he says, "Time in".

Gar blinks at him in confusion for a moment as the humans close in, Gar and Cyborg stand back to back.

"By the by", says Gar under his breath, "Do you know 'praying mantis'?"

"You're looking at him", says Cyborg smugly.

Suddenly, they start to make very kung fu like noises that resemble a cat being skinned alive. They beat up all the ninnies, who make a hasty retreat.

"Good work", says Gar

"Thanks man", says Cyborg with a nod.

As the pair head for the 'rent a wreck', they hear growling. They turn around to see Gizmo waving his fists by a tree.

"You haven't seen the last of us!", he vows

Gar gives him a deadpan look before reaching into his 'rent a wreck' saddlebag and pulling out a bow and arrow. Cyborg watches in amazement as the single arrow folds out to become six joined arrows. Gar fires his arrows, they all pin Gizmo to the tree

"Heh", Gizmo glances around with a nervous laugh, "...you've seen the last of us".

We move on to a little later, where Cyborg and Gar ride the 'rent a wreck' up to a big castle

"There she is. Logan hall", says Gar proudly, " When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. _That_ one sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, _then_ sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. The home of my family for seven generations".

We see Le Blanc standing in front of the hall

"Lets go! Move it!", he shouts.

He waves his hands and four gargoyles start to lift the castle into the air. Gar watches dumbfounded. He jumps off his horse and runs to the castle, grabbing onto the door handle and trying desperately to stop it from flying away.

"Stop the castle! Stop the castle!" he cries as he's pulled up with it.

Le Blanc sighs and whistles, halting the moving of the castle. He puts an apologetic hand to the gargoyles before turning to look at Gar

"You there!", says Gar, putting his hands on his hips, "I demand to know what is going on here!".

Le Blanc sighs and reaches into his bag, which has 'tax collector' written on it, pulls out a scroll and hands it to Gar.

"Read 'em and weep green bean", he says remorselessly.

Cyborg comes over to have a look too as Gar reads the scroll.

"Hear ye, hear ye", Gar reads, "For failure to pay back taxes, all the lands, castle and properties of the family Logan shall be taken in lieu of payment. Signed Prince John's royal accountant HMR Blockhead! This is a SHAM! I vow here and now to restore my property to it's rightful place!"

"Yeah yeah, you vow, we move!" says Le Blanc, "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

"Is there someone else we could talk to?" asks Cyborg

"No, now go away before I taunt you a second time." Sneers Le Blanc.

Le Blanc laughs evilly and the castle is removed, just leaving small bits of wall and a few statues. In the middle, sitting on a toilet is Star Fire. He has dark glasses on and is leafing through a magazine..., which turns out to be a braille version of 'Playgirl'.

"Blinkin?" says Gar.

"Who's that?" asks Cyborg.

"It's Blinkin!" says Gar, "My family's loyal blind servant".

"Couldn't have been a very good servant if she's blind", mutters Cyborg, then looks up as the 'rent a wreck' runs off, "I gotta go get the horse, man".

Cyborg bounds off, whistling for the horse to come back.

"Here horsey, horsey, horsey", he shouts.

"Blinkin!" calls Gar happily.

"Be right out!" says Star Fire, standing up.

Gar runs up to the other side of what is left of the wall and smiles happily.

"Blinkin!" he says happily.

"Master Gar, is that you?" asks Star fire.

"Yes", says Gar, holding his hands in the air.

"What, back from the Crusades?" asks Star Fire.

"Yes", says Gar, still smiling.

"And alive?" asks Star Fire with a grin.

Gar pauses for a long moment.

"...Yes".

"Oh happy day!", she cries joyously.

She goes to open the non-existent door, only to fall through empty space and hit a statue of an armless woman.

"I'm quite sure there was a door there", she mutters.

She gives the statue a hug.

"Master Gar! OH!", she pauses, "You lost your arms in battle! How terrible!"

She pauses again,

"...But you grew some nice boobs!" she gives the statue a hearty slap-slap.

"Blinkin, I'm over here", sighs Gar, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Oh...err…later", says Star Fire to the statue, before starting to walk away, only to have Gar grab her.

"Blinkin, listen to me", says Gar, "They've taken the castle!"

"I thought it felt a bit drafty", muses Star Fire, then sighs, "Gah, this never would have happened if your father was alive".

"... He's dead?", asks Gar, paling.

"Yes", says Star Fire.

"And my mother?", asks Gar.

"She died of the pneumonia whilst", Star Fire sighs, "… oh, you whilst were away".

"And my brothers?" asks Gar.

"Killed of by the plague."

"...My dog Pongo?" sobs Gar.

"Run over by a carriage", says Star Fire.

"My Goldfish, Goldie?", asks Gar hopefully.

"Eaten by the cat".

"My cat?", says Gar with a whimper.

"Choked on the goldfish", says Star Fire solemnly, then adds cheerfully, "Oh it's good to be home, 'aint it Master Gar?"

Before Gar gets the chance to cry, Star Fire pulls him into a bear hug. Gar winces and pulls away

"Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What is that?" he ask, poking something dangling from Star Fire's neck.

"My heart shaped necklace that I got from Control Freak?" asks Star Fire.

Everyone stares at Star Fire.

"What?" she asks.

Collective shudder.

"No! That!", says Gar, pointing again.

"Oh. Your father wanted me to give you this", says Star Fire, pulling out a golden locket, "He said that inside is the key to the greatest treasure in all the land...may I keep it?".

"Uummm", Gar pauses, "No, Blinkin. I think I'd better honor my fathers wishes".

"Of course", says Star Fire, she goes to put it over Gar 's neck, only misses and puts it around Gar 's arm instead.

Gar looks at it before putting it around his neck. He then puts an arm around Star Fire's shoulder

"Come, Blinkin. Let us leave this depressing foundation", he says, "We have much to do, and less time to do it in".

Suddenly, Cyborg shows up with 'Rent a wreck'.

"Hey, hey Gar, wait up", he pants.

"Oh. Well done, Achoo", smiles Gar.

"Yeah, he was running fast but I caught him", says Cyborg, stating the obvious.

"Who's that?", asks Star Fire, looking around.

"Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Achoo", says Gar.

"A Jew… here?", asks Star Fire.

"No….not A Jew", sighs Cyborg tiredly, "Achoo, put it there" he says holding out a hand.

Star Fire misses and hits Cyborg in the stomach.

"How do you do?", asks Star Fire cheerfully.

"I've been better", gasps Cyborg, doubled up in pain.

They are about to set on their way when they hear screaming. They look up to see Kole running at them, flailing her arms and screaming.

"Help me, help me. Arrrghhhh. Save me!", she screams

She runs up to the camera which zooms in on her tonsils as she screams, then runs up to the group, still screaming

"Looks like a runaway white girl!" says Cyborg

Kole clings onto Gar 's arm. Then pauses and strokes it

"Ooooohhhh...I could get used to this", she smiles, snuggling up to him

"MINE!" screams Raven from backstage

"O… k", says Gar, struggling to get his arm free, "Steady on, what's the matter?".

"They're after me!", squeaks Kole.

She points to where she came running from. Out ride a couple of people on horseback. As they get closer, we see on horseback are Slade, Chang, Mumbo and Mad Mod, who are singing, in the middle of them is Robin, who is NOT singing.

**Da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da da da, da da da daaahhhhh!**

They ride up and stop in front of the little band. Robin puffs out his chest, showing complete control and pride. He is the man in charge. He is cool, he is collected.

"Over that girl hand!".

... He has screwed up his line. Gar, Cyborg, Star Fire and Kole look at him blankly

"Ugh", groans Robin, "Hand over that girl".

"Who demands it?" asks Gar, narrowing his eyes.

"The Sheriff of Fruitland", says Robin, smoothing his hair back then smoothes the mane of his horse for good measure. He looks at Gar and the others and finally notices something is wrong.

"Hey! I thought Star was gonna be _Latrine_! What happened?" demands Robin.

"Meh. We thought this would flow better." Says Draconus. "Now get back to work!"

"But who's Latrine?" asks Robin

"Oh you'll see." Says Draconus; "in fact I think you'll extremely happy with our new choice. Heh heh."

"And what has the girl done?" asks Gar, arching a brow.

"She was caught poaching in the Kings forest. She deered to kill the King's dare", says Robin, then groans, "...ugh, she dared to kill the King's deer".

"And this is an offence?", asks Gar

"One punishable by death", says Robin, crossing his arms, "Where HAVE you been?".

"Fighting with King Mento in the crusades", says Gar, then adds snidely, "Unfortunately MY father couldn't get ME into the National Guard".

Kole, Star Fire, and Cyborg snicker while Robin looks flustered.

"How DARE you talk to me in that fashion, who are you?!!!", he snaps.

"I am Garfield of Logan", says Gar with a dramatized bow.

"Oh yes, I've heard of you", scowls Robin, "They say you're pretty handy with a sword. LET'S FIND OUT!".

He goes to draw his sword, only to have it break, leaving him holding the hilt.

"Stupid small prop budget", he mutters.

As he stares at his hilt, Gar walks over and cuts the saddle, so Robin and saddle slip upside down, and are now dangling beneath the horse.

"I was angry at you before, Logan", he shouts, "but now I'm really PISSED OFF!".

"Ooooooooh, Boy Blunder said a naughty word!" grins Cyborg, then adds evilly, "If I was that close to a horses wiener, I'd be worried about getting pissed ON".

Star Fire and Kole have a laugh at this.

"You know...this wasn't a very smart thing for you to have done, Logan", says Robin, then vows, "I'LL PAY FOR THIS!"

He pauses, noting the others chuckling,

"Ugh!", he groans, "YOU'LL pay for this! KILL THEM!"

Gar puts his sword next to Robin's upside down throat.

"Wait I've", Robin gulps, "...changed my mind".

"Wise decision", says Gar with a nod, "So, until we meet again, have a safe journey".

He hits the horse on the rump with his sword, making it gallop off...we would like to say at this point that no horses were harmed during the making of this scene. We see Robin's head bobbing along as the horse runs

"Ow ow ow ow ouch!"

"Mind the big rocks!", laughs Gar

As Cyborg, Star Fire, and Kole laugh, Slade, Chang, Mad Mod, and Mumbo ride off after Robin, beginning to sing again.

**Da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da da da, da da da daaahhhhh**

"Shut up you bloody fooooooooools!", moans Robin.

"Good riddance to bad rubbish", says Gar, then grimaces as Kole begins snuggling his arm again.

"Oh, thank you for saving my life, milord", she says, "I shall tell all that I see that there is one man in Jump City who is not afraid to stand up to Fruitland and his … err men".

"Good. Tell them that. Tell them also that I vow to put an end to the injustice. Right the wrongs. End the Tyranny. Restore the throne", Gar pauses, considering, "...protect the forest... introduce folk dancing...demand a four day work week...and affordable health care for Meta-humans... and Humans".

Kole has been getting rather impatient

"Yes yes, good good", she says, "Well...it's getting dark, and I gotta go home alone now...bye".

She suddenly starts screaming again and runs off in the fashion that she came

"Mmm...what an unusual girl", muses Gar.

"Annnnnd CUT!", shouts dumas4

"Oh thank God!", sighs Star Fire, "If I have to wear these STUPID glasses any longer...".

She takes off the glasses specially made to make her unable to see.

"Arggghhh the light", she cries, rolling around on the floor, "All I can see are black dots!!!"

"I told you not to take them off quickly", sighs dumas4

"Can someone get me out from under this horse now?" asks Robin.

"I dunno, you look oddly comfortable there." says dumas4.

Thanks for all those wonderfull reviews. Glad ya'll like this. Next update will be this weekend.


	4. Chapter 4

Act four

We head off to a beautiful castle, which we zoom in on, as a voice, usually heard in monotone, sings from inside. We zoom closer and closer to a window. From within the castle, we hear the monotone voice of Raven singing softly.

**Where is the one**

**That I love most of all?**

**When will I hear him call**

**Raven, Raven? **

**He is the one**

**Who can make my life whole**

**Joyful, forever more**

Inside the castle, Raven is sitting in a bathtub, brushing her hair.

"Naked Raven!", shouts Gar, then clears his throat, "sorry"

Raven winks at him before going back to her song.

**I've waited so patiently**

**For a true love**

**When will he come for me?**

**Where is he?**

**Where is he? **

**Ohhhhhhh!**

Suddenly, there is a shatter and a camera breaks through the window

"Sorry!", calls out dumas4 as the camera sinks back out of view, taking broken stained glass with it.

Raven blinks in confusion.

"Ummm.."

"Carry on!", shouts dumas4, "don't stop singing, we can still make this work!"

Raven shakes her head, before singing again.

**Where is the man**

**Who carries the key?**

**When will he be**

**With his Raven, Raven?**

**I can not wait**

**Till he sets my heart free**

**Oh, when will I know him?**

**When will I see him?**

**When will I hear him?**

**Say 'Raven, my love?'**

She sighs and stares dreamily into space as her number ends. Jinx, wearing a suit that makes her seem ALOT larger than she really is, comes bustling in with a towel

"Hurry UP mien lady!", she says, putting on a fake German accent, "You better get out of zat tub, before zat zing begins to rust!".

"Been eating too much chocolate Miss Piggy?" asks Raven with a sly smirk.

"Tell me something Raven", growls Jinx, "do you WANT to die?"

Raven narrows her eyes.

"Bring it on, sister", she growls.

"Alright!!!", says Gar with a wide grin, rubbing his hands, "half-naked catfight!!!".

"NO! No half-naked cat fights!!!", shouts dumas4, running onto the set, "no no no! Get to your work! Gar, go away, you're not needed yet!"

"Okay", sighs Gar, moping off,

dumas4 sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as Gar vanishes.

"Chimps, I'm working with chimps!"

He points a warning finger at Jinx and Raven before leaving the set.

"All right Broomhilde", says Raven with a sigh.

She stands up and wraps a towel around her, showing that she has iron underwear on, including a heart-shaped lock. The underwear has the word 'Everlast' on it.

"Hurry hurry, eet's freezing", says Jinx.

She hands Raven a nightgown so she can get dressed.

"Oh zese castles are so drafty", mutters Star

She walks over to a fireplace then, despite it being the middle ages, turns on a tap which makes a roaring fire appear.

"Ahhh. Toasty varm", says Jinx with a proud nod, rubbing her hands together. Suddenly, a little bird appears at the window.

"Oh, Broomhilde look! A happy little Blackbird", smiles Raven, then groans, "...aww man do I HAVE to be so cheerful?!!!"

"I'm underneath five different layers of foam", mutters Jinx, crossing her arms, "...consider yourself lucky!"

Raven walks up to the blackbird and holds out her hand

"Hello", she says with a sickeningly sweet smile.

The bird flies over to her, then lands on her hand

"This means I must make a wish", she says, then stares into the distance as she is prone to do, "I hope against hope. I wish against wish. That the heavens will be bring me a kind, gentle wonderful man. Who possesses the key to my...".

Both girls look down at the chastity belt

"...Heart".

The bird twitters as flies off.

"Goodbye my little friend", says Raven waving her hand.

"Oooohhh here birdie!", comes Panthra's voice from backstage

We hear the bird scream in terror, then silence

"... Okay", says Jinx, blinking, then pointing at Raven's hand, "Zat happy little blackbird has left a happy little doo doo on your hand".

She spits on a tissue and moves to wipe Ravens hand.

"You're kidding right?" says Raven.

Raven stares out of the window and gives a dramatized sigh. We then go on to another part of the castle. Robin runs through the door

"Prince John", he says, "I must speak with you!"

Adonis is sitting on a throne, looking very bored, surrounded by servants and women. He has a mole on his right cheek, remember it.

"Alright everybody", he sighs boredly, waving his hand, "later, later".

Kitten is still cuddled up to his arm

"La-t-er", says Adonis, looking at her pointedly.

Kitten giggles and skips off.

Robin strides over to Adonis purposefully.

"Sire, I have", he pauses, "...news".

"Oooooh I love being called 'sire'", muses Adonis, then looks at Robin, "And what sort of news do you have?"

His face pales.

"It's not bad news is it? You know I can't TAKE bad news", he gives a sniff, "The day started out so good. I got a good night's sleep, I got three girls' phone numbers, and I don't want to hear ANY bad news. Now, what type of news IS it?".

Robin shuffles uncomfortably.

"Well, to be perfectly frank", he says, "...it's bad".

Adonis throws his goblet to the side

"I knew it!!! I knew it was bad news!", he cries, then pauses, "...Wait a minute, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the BAD news in a GOOD way it won't SOUND so bad".

Robin blinks, flummoxed at this.

"The..the bad news in a good way? Umm..yes yes..I can do that", he says, "The bad news in a good way...Ummm..well..here goes..Ahem..Um..."

Robin pauses for a moment, before bursting out into a very, very loud laugh, causing Adonis to jump.

"HA HA HA HA! Wait 'till you hear this!. Hee hee. I just bumped into Garfield of Logan. He's back from the crusades. Ha ha ha ha. He just beat the CRAP out of my men and me. Ha ha ha. He hates you, and he loves your brother, Richard. Ha ha ha. And…tee hee, he wants to see you hanged! Ha ha ha!" Robin gives an unattractive snort, leaning onto the throne for support, "We're in an awful lot of trouble. Ha ha ha!".

Adonis looks at him in sheer horror.

"What are you CRAZY?!!!", he shouts, "Why are you laughing?! This is terrible news!"

"But I .. I...you told me", Robin blinks, "... I ...I ... I was just trying to soften the blow..."

"Well you blew it", says Adonis with a whimper.

"This is a problem, sire, not easily solved", says Robin.

"Yes... you're right. What to do?, what to do?, what to do?", Adonis suddenly grins, "GOT IT!. Latrine! The weird creature in the tower, the one that predicts my future!"

"Oh yes... Latrine", says Robin, giving a shudder, "Ugh, boy is she ugly?!"

We move to the tower, where Adonis enters a dark and dusty room, his mole has now moved to his chin

"Latrine?", he calls out, "Latrine, where are you, I must talk to you!".

We hear a scream from backstage and Aqualad is pushed into the room, his hair has been frizzled out, he has animal carcasses dangling from his battered clothes and he is covered with warts.

In the background Robin can be heard screaming in what we hope is horror at this, although the director and producer are laughing their heads off.

"Argghhh! Kill it!", he screams before letting out a breath of relief, "Oh, phew it's you. Listen, I know your power, what can you tell me about Garfield of Logan?"

" Garfield of Logan? Garfield of Logan?" Aqualad narrows his eyes, "Mmmm, Let me see".

He starts to mix ingredients into a frying pan

"Ravens egg, blood of a hen", Aqualad pauses, "...little bit more blood, yes. Eyeballs of a crocodile. Testicles of a newt" He winks at Adonis, "...Guess he's a transsexual now, huh? Hah!".

He stirs the stuff a bit, then looks at it

" Garfield of Logan is handsome and brave. He seeks to regain his family's honor", he looks pointedly at Adonis, "little sod could be trouble".

"Are you certain?", asks Adonis, sitting forward in his seat.

"Certain?", asks Aqualad, then huffs, "You want certain, you hire yourself a witch, I'm just your cook! Here, eat this!".

He deposits the contents of the frying pan onto a plate and puts it in front of Adonis. He looks at his meal, and it looks back at him.

"Mmm...looks...ugh...fabulous!", says Adonis, grimacing, "... looks like something Star fire would cook."

He scoops up an eyeball and tries to eat it, only to spit it out, it bounces across the table. Adonis whimpers slightly, before choosing to wisely take attention from his 'food'.

"Such an unusual name, Latrine", he says conversationally, "How did your family come by it?".

"We changed it in the ninth century", says Aqualad

"You mean...you changed it..", Adonis blinks, "TO Latrine?".

"Yeah, used to Dunghouse", replies Aqualad

"That's a good change...a good change!", says Adonis with a nervous laugh, "Now, how about this Logan fella?, how can I stop him?".

"Maybe I could devise a magic potion. One that would make him unable to perform the slightest task", grins Aqualad, then holds up a finger, "But in return, you must help me".

"What are you kidding", grins Adonis, "I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind! Name it! Anything you want!".

"Put in a good word for me with the Sheriff of Fruitland", he says, "I've got the hots for him! Purrrrr".

"Ugh", says Adonis, rolling his eyes as Aqualad skips to a hidden curtain.

"I've got a likeness of him in my boudoir", says Aqualad.

He pulls back a curtain revealing a life-size cardboard cut-out of Robin. He hugs it while Adonis looks on, disgusted.

"Ooooh Fruity, Fruity, Fruitty", purrs Aqualad, snuggling up to 'Robin'.

"Oh Gods, he's making his bedroom eyes", says Robin from backstage.

"I am amazed!. To think that a handsome guy like the Sheriff of Fruitland would ever want a creature like you..."

Aqualad glares at Adonis for his comment.

"Well...if you're gonna PUNCTURE my dreams", he says, "...you can forget about my promise to help you!".

"No, wait wait wait, wait, wait", says Adonis, rushing over to him, "Maybe if we got him drunk...".

Aqualad turns to smile at him.

"...VERY drunk", adds Adonis with a grimace, "...you got a shot".

Aqualad giggles happily as we zoom in on the cutout, which has suddenly got a VERY worried look on its face.

"Man, I love my job", grins Draconus.


	5. Chapter 5

Act five

We get to the happy woods of Jump City, where, by some miracle, Gar, Cyborg and Star Fire have managed to fit on the 'Rent a wreck'. They stop in front of a bridge crossing a tiny river. On the bridge stands Mammoth, who is leaning on a big stick

"Dismount", says Gar as everyone gets off the horse,

"Hey Gar, wait here, I'll go make sure it's safe". Says Cyborg.

Gar takes hold of the reins and waits with Star, as Cyborg goes up to Mammoth.

"Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see." Says Mammoth

"Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid." Replies Cyborg.

"What... is your name?"

"Cyborg of Jump City."

"What... is your quest.?"

"To get me some honey."

"What... is your favorite color?"

"Blue."

"Go on. Off you go."

"Oh, thank you. Thank you very much." Cyborg walks buy and gives Mammoth a halfpenny.

"That's easy!" cries Star, who manages to fly over without hitting anything. How? We're not really sure.

"Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see."

"Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid."

"What... is your name?"

"Blinkin of Logan"

"What... is your quest?"

"To turn Robin straight."

"Good luck," Murmurs Mammoth, "What... is the capital of Assyria?"

"I don't know that." She is thrown over the edge into the stream.

"Auuuuuuuugh!"

Gar walks over and pulls Star out then moves over to Mammoth.

"Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?"

"Garfield of Logan."

"What... is your quest?"

"To reclaim Britain's Honor."

"What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"What do you mean? An African or European swallow?"

"Huh? I... I don't know that." He almost falls off but manages to stay on the bridge.

"Now then, would you mind moving out of the way?" asks Gar sweetly.

Mammoth looks thoughtful for a moment.

"I say, not until ya pay the toll", he says.

"Toll?", asks Gar, "What toll?".

Mammoth blinks at him, as if Gar didn't understand the answer.

"Well...", he explains, "the toll you pay fer crossing my bridge".

"I ain't paying no toll", says Gar indignantly, "this bridge is on my families land. Well...used to be my families land".

Mammoth stares at him for a second

"Hey, you're _that _Garfield of Logan!", he says, "Ahahahhahahah! Garfield!".

"Laugh it up _Putty Tat._" mutters Gar

He suddenly grabs Gar 's hand, his clawed one pretty much swallowing it alive before shaking wildly, almost yanking Gar 's arm off in the process.

"Oww.", winces Gar, then looks at Mammoth, "And who might you be?".

"They call me Little John", says Mammoth, then, winking, holds up a clawed finger, "Don't let my name fool you, in real life, I'm very big. Wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean, say no more!"

"DUDE! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!!!", screams Gar, "I...mean, I'll take you're word for it. Now let me pass".

Gar goes to walk past Mammoth, who puts out a hand, stopping Gar in his tracks.

"Eerrrrrr...no. Sorry", says Mammoth, "But a toll is a toll. And a roll is a roll. And if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls"

He grins proudly.

"Hee hee. I made that up".

Gar humors him with a small chuckle.

"That's very fascinating, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you", he says pleasantly.

"Oh yeah, my pleasure", grins Mammoth happily, before shouting over his shoulder, "Will!".

Speedy suddenly comes running out of the bushes with Robin's Bo staff.

"Promise me you'll never tell me what you were doing in there with that", says Gar, paling.

Speedy winks and tosses Gar the Bo staff. Which Gar catches. As he and Mammoth start to get into a fighting stance, Cyborg sighs and goes to stand by Star near the horse.

"Hey Blinkin'", says Cyborg.

Star blinks around blindly.

"Did you say Abe Lincoln?"

"No, I didn't say Abe Lincoln", growls Cyborg, "I said HEY BLINKIN', hold the reins man!"

He slaps the reins of the horse in Star's hand and runs off to the bridge. He stops by the bank on Gar's side.

"Hey, Gar ".

"Excuse me", says Gar to Mammoth, then looks at Cyborg.

"No, excuse me", smiles Cyborg, then clears his throat, "Hey, look man, you don't have to do this. This 'aint exactly the Mississippi!"

He points to the tiny stream in front of him, barely a trickle of water. He hops onto Mammoth's side of the river.

"I'm on one side", he says, then hops across, "I'm on the other side".

He hops across again.

"I'm on the East Bank", once more he hops over, "I'm on the West Bank".

He jumps so he is standing with one leg on either side of the 'river'.

"It is not that critical!"

"It's not the point", says Gar with a sniff, "It's the principle of the thing".

Mammoth looks at him blankly for a second before nodding. Cyborg takes this in, looking from Gar to Mammoth.

"Nice knowing you", he says simply, walking back to stand by Robin.

Gar and Mammoth stand calmly for a second, Mammoth flexing his big stick behind his back. Suddenly, they both put the stick out in front of them and begin to whack their opponents stick. With a big whack, they each break their sticks in half. They look at them before tossing one half away and continuing their battle, this time swinging them like lightsabers.

"If you even THINK about sayin' that 'I am your father' line, I'm going to shove this Bo staff where the sun don't shine", says Gar pointedly.

"Oooooh I'm soooooooo scared", growled Mammoth, "Little salad top ninny!"

Mammoth fakes a blow to the head, which Gar guards and Mammoth quickly bring the stick down on Gar's foot. Gar hops on one foot. They hit each others stick again, once again the stick breaks, becoming even smaller as they toss one half each away. They hit each others stick by holding it out in front of them as before, circling each other to a point where they have swapped sides on the bridge. Neither of them notices this as they circle back around and once again break their sticks in half. They both glance at their now tiny sticks, not much longer than a pencil. They get back into fighting stance and stare at each other.

"Okay, you overgrown squirrel, it's go time", says Gar.

Gar flicks his stick out, hitting Mammoth in the knuckles.

"OWWWW!", whimpers Mammoth, shaking his bruised knuckles.

Gar manages this move two more times before Mammoth glares at him. Gar goes for a fourth and Mammoth moves his hands away, Gar chooses instead to clonk Mammoth on the head with his stick. Mammoth falls off the bridge into the 'river'. Gar stands on the bridge, looking down at Mammoth with his hands on his hips, laughing heartily

"Help me! I can't swim", screams Mammoth, "I'M DROWNING!!!!"

Mammoth starts to panic, thrashing around in the tiny tiny TINY stream. Gar blinks before jumping onto the bank and pulling Mammoth clear of the 'river'. Speedy watches this in amusement from the bank

"There there, you're all right now", says Gar reassuringly,

Gar 's eyes widen as Mammoth pulls him into a bear hug.

"Thank you, Gar ", he sobs, "You saved my life!".

Gar desperately pats Mammoth on the arm.

"What?", asks Mammoth, blinking at him.

Gar points to his head, which is buried somewhere in Mammoth's arm.

"Air!", he gasps out desperately.

Mammoth blinks and lets go of Gar.

"I am in your debt", smiles Mammoth.

"Think nothing of it", wheezes Gar.

Cyborg suddenly runs up.

"Hey, Garfield, you okay?"

"Let me introduce you to my friends", says Gar to Mammoth.

He points to where Star is standing by the horse.

"That is Blinkin'".

Mammoth waves at Star, who waves back towards a different direction. Gar shakes his head, before pointing at Cyborg.

"And this is Achoo".

"Awww, bless you", says Mammoth, slapping Gar on the back.

"That's my name, man", says Cyborg with a shrug, "Achoo".

"Let me introduce you to my best friend", says Mammoth, pointing at Speedy, "Will Scarlet".

"Scarlet's my middle name", says Speedy proudly, "My full name is Will Scarlet O'Hara".

Gar and HS look at each other in confusion, before looking back at Speedy.

"We're from Georgia", says Speedy with a shrug, despite his Western accent.

"He's deadly with his herring", says Mammoth with a grin.

"His _WHAT_?!" cries everyone on the set.

"Really?" says Gar, "How about a demonstration?"

"Gladly", grins Speedy, going back into the bushes, pulling out a bow and arrow.

"What else do you have back there?" asks Cyborg, arching a brow.

Speedy hands the bow and arrow to Gar and walks a little away.

"Okay then", he says, pointing at his eye, "Fire an arrow, straight in my eye".

Gar blinks.

"Are you serious?".

"Absolutely", grins Speedy.

He pulls out two herring from his belt and twirls them around his fingers like a cowboy would his pistols. Gar blinks, before looking at Mammoth, who grins and nods

"Okay", says Gar, pulling up the bow, "...goodbye".

He fires an arrow and Speedy moves the fish in front of him quickly, the sound of a buzzsaw being the result. In seconds, the arrow is gone, the tip falling onto the floor harmlessly.

"What part of Georgia are you from?!", squeaks Cyborg, "South Central?".

Speedy smirks, blowing on his fish and going to put them back in his belt, only to cut his trousers off.

"Well I haven't quite figured that part out yet!" says Speedy, looking around in slight fear of his rabid fan girls.

"HA!" shouts Draconus.

"...Okay", replied Gar.

"Awww, I'm sorry the toll thing, Gar ", says Mammoth, "But, I mean, it's Prince John. He's taken our homes and everything we own. We've nothin' left".

"Not to worry, Little John", says Gar. " Even as we speak, I'm forming a plan to make trouble for our friend Prince John and Fruitland. Tonight, I will crash their party and give warning that there are those who will fight to rid Jump City of their tyranny".

"Good. We'll join ya!" grins Mammoth.

"We will?", asks Star Fire.

Cyborg and Speedy both nod and agree.

"No. I can't risk the lives of others. One man can get in more easily than half a dozen", says Gar, "Well, I must be off. Fair thee well, and I will see thee upon thy return".

"Is that the costume talking?", asks Cyborg, wrinkling up his nose.

"More than likely", nods Gar.

They wave him off as Gar runs towards the horse from behind. He goes to jump on it, only to fall off.

"Ahhh, green men can't jump", says Cyborg, shaking his head.

"CUT!"

"I need medical assistance", whimpers Gar from the floor, "...**_NOW_**!"

I would like to thank you all for the wonderful reviews this story has gotten. This goes especially to beautifulpurpleflame. No offense to the rest of my readers, but I've been a fan of beautifulpurpleflame's stories for a long time and to have someone of her talent enjoy one of my stories is quite the honor. I hope I can keep with all of my readers expectations, and tha tmy next stories are appreciated as much as this one. Speaking of which if you guys have any ideas for stories I should do, let me know in your reviews. Thanks and keep reading and please review.


	6. Chapter 6

Act six

We go to nighttime, where horses are going in the 'valet parking' of the castle. Red Star is covered in white face paint and miming climbing a rope. Adonis and Robin watch boredly, Adonis's mole has now moved to his upper left lip. Robin finally has enough.

"Kill him!" shouts Robin.

Larry and Seemore walk forward to Red Star with evil smirks.

"...!!!!!", says Red Star,

"No wait", says Adonis, "You know a mime is a terrible thing to waste".

Robin gives a disgruntled sigh.

"...fine!...Let him go". he says moodily,

Raven suddenly walks down into the hall, all dressed up in finery. Everyone watches her and bows to her

"I could get used to this", grins Raven.

She walks over to the main table and goes to take a seat on the other side of Adonis.

"Raven, you know our good Sheriff of Fruitland", he says, pointing at Robin.

"You look ravishing, my dear", he says, licking his lips and walking over to her.

"Well, I must say that Prince John has spared no expense for tonight's party", says Robin, "We have exotic foods from across the seas. Coconuts, bananas and dates".

He picks up a bowl, containing dates.

"Would you care for a date?" he asks, offering her the bowl

"Why, yes tha...", starts Raven, reaching for a date.

Robin laughs and pulls the bowl away.

"How about next Thursday?" he says, "Ha ha ha".

"Ba dum bump bump", says dumas4.

Suddenly, Gar bursts in, carrying a dead pig on his shoulders.

"This is...really, REALLY gross! I'm a _vegan_ for Christ's sake!", he grumbles, before smiling at the room, "Good evening".

He walks in and the guards behind the door slump to the floor, groaning.

"That's him!" hisses Robin, "That's Logan!"

From inside a little room, Kole, Black Fire, Terra, Bee and Sarasim all gasp in surprise. Gar walks up to the table happily.

"Greetings, your highness", he says, then promptly drops the dead pig on the table in front of Adonis, who looks more than slightly grossed out.

"You know", says Adonis, "... Some people bring chocolates".

"A present, for you and your guests!", smiles Gar.

"That's a wild boar!" shouts Robin.

"No, no. That's a wild pig", says Gar, pointing at the pig, then points at Adonis, "THAT'S a wild bore!".

"Funny!", shouts Adonis, slamming his fist on the table, "That's very amusing! So you're Garfield of Logan, huh?"

Gar makes a small bow while Raven sighs at him.

"Oh!", she says, "I've heard so much about you".

Gar looks at her before sitting on the table in front of her.

"And you are...?", he prompts.

"Maid Raven", says Raven.

"Ahhhhh. Maid Raven", says Gar with his charming smile, "Rumors of your beauty have traveled far and wide, yet I see they hardly do you justice".

He kisses her hand tenderly, while Robin begins to have the start of a silent hissy fit in the corner.

"Quite a smoothy. He's definitely a smoothy", murmurs Adonis.

Robin finally snaps and loses it, yelling at Gar.

"ENOUGH!" he screams, "King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is?!!!!!".

"What?", asks Gar and Raven in unison, blinking in confusion.

Robin takes a breath.

"I mean... ", he says, "don't you know it is illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?!!".

"Is not also illegal to sit in the kings throne and usurp his power in his absence?", asks Gar, starting to eat a date while the crowd gasps.

"Careful Logan, you've gone to far", says Adonis in a sing song voice.

"I've only just begun", says Gar, "I've come to warn you that if you don't stop letting these evil taxes, I will lead the good people of Jump City in a revolt against you".

Everyone gasps again.

"And why should the people listen to you?" snorts Adonis.

"Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods", says Gar, "I can speak with an English accent"

"To tell you the truth this guy is starting to get on my NERVES!" shouts Adonis,

"Worry not your highness", says Robin, "I shall dispose of this feathered upstart".

He walks over to Gar and takes off a glove.

"I challenge you to a duel!" he says, slapping Gar's cheek with the glove as the crowd gasps.

"This crowd doesn't get out much, do they?" mutters dumas4.

"Not while we control their lives." Replies Draconus with a grin.

Gar touches his face, before suddenly pulling out a gauntlet arm from behind his back. He the promptly wacks Robin across the face with it, making a rather ominous metallic THUNK.

"I accept", says Gar.

"That is going to cost you, Logan!" snaps Robin, trying his best to stay conscious.

"Please, put it on my bill", smirks Gar.

"So, it has come down to this, has it?" says Robin, squaring up to him, "A fight to the death. Mano a mano. Man to man. Just you and me and my GUARDS!"

Nothing happens.

Robin looks around as Gar draws his sword ready for a fight.

Hot Spot, Cinderblock and Killer Moth suddenly show up, each holding a beer stein. After apologizing, they surround Gar, while Robin stands to the side. Gar fights them off with his sword, Hot Spot almost lands on Adonis, then gets up and goes back to the fight.

"Check please, table one", says Adonis, waving his hand in the air.

Gar carries on fighting the guards, backing his way up some stairs. He notices a chandelier hanging from the ceiling above the guards he grins and cuts the rope. A chandelier falls alright, right on top of Gar.

"Pain", whimpers Gar from the floor.

Suddenly Speedy, Mammoth, Star Fire and Cyborg burst in through the doors. Adonis hides behind the dead pig as the merry men attack, Star Fire holding onto the back of Mammoth's belt and being dragged along. The guests all leave in a panic as Raven swoons over the battle. In the small room, Kole, Black Fire, Terra, Bee and Sarasim are still watching. Kataru walks in and watches too... or rather watches down their tops.

"Lots of ladies...skimpy clothing…I'm so happy", he sighs.

The battle rages on and as Gar fights Cinderblock, Star shows up by his side holding a tray with a beer stein on it.

"Refreshment sire?" she asks.

"Ahh, thank you, Blinkin'", says Gar, taking the mug and drinking from it, using his other hand to fight off Cinderblock

"It sounds like we're winning, sire", points out Star.

"Indeed we are", nods Gar, giving the mug back to Star, "Carry on!".

Over at the royal table, Robin shows up to hide behind the dead pig with Adonis

"Save me, save me", cries Adonis, "Hurt them, hurt them!".

"Yes, save them, save them. Hurt you, hurt you", says Robin, nodding, "Got it!"

Adonis looks at him in horror.

"I'm gonna die!!!!"

As the battle rages on, Star gives a war cry and wielding an obviously fake sword, starts to fight. The camera pans back to show that she is attacking a wooden pole. At a table, Killer Moth is wrestling Gar to a table, he picks up a grapefruit.

"Care for some, desert?" he asks, rubbing it in Killer Moth's face, making him fall back.

"IT BURNS, IT BURNS!" he screams as he rolls around clutching his face.

"Archers ready!"

Gar ducks under the table when the arrows fire at him. Once under there, he comes nose-to nose with Raven, who is also hiding.

"Maid Raven!" he says in surprise, "Tell me, do you believe in... love at first sight?"

"Depends on what your looking at", says Raven coyly.

"Well?", asks Gar

"Yes. Yes. Yes", smiles Raven.

"Bow chicka wow wow, bow chicha wow wow", says dumas4, then pauses, "I err...carry on"

They come within inches of kissing when a foot appears by them. Gar hits it with his sword

"To be continued", says Gar, vanishing back into battle.

As Gar leaves, Jinx takes his place under the table

"Mien leibchen", she says, then pauses, "... wait... what's a leibchen?"

"I dunno", shrugs Raven, "maybe it's a type of cheese."

"Neh. I'm so glad I found you!", says Jinx, "Come on, zis party's getting crashed".

Up on the stairs, Gar is still fighting. Star Fire has now reduced the 'deadly dangerous' pole into a tiny little splinter of a pole. Cinderblock goes to fire and arrow at Gar, and Speedy suddenly throws out his herring, pinning him to the wall. He walks up to him and punches him, knocking him out. He takes his fish back and watches him slide down the wall

"Am I good?", he asks, looking at the screen, then nods, "I'm good!".

At the table, Robin suddenly stands up.

"Bar the doors! Don't let them get away!" shouts Robin, "Surround the great hall!".

"Now you're talking!", grins Adonis.

Everyone pauses in battle and watches as the doors are barred and a whole load of knights in armor appear, surrounding the hall completely, clanging as they do so.

"I hope it's worth the NOISE!", whines Adonis, holding his hands to his head.

Gar notices that his men are cornered by the door. He reaches for a rope that is near, despite the era, a glowing EXIT sign.

"We got him, we got him!", laughs Adonis evilly.

Gar pulls on the rope carefully, glad that it supports his weight.

"Ah ha! Right rope", he says with a nod.

He swings, Errol Flyn style, across the room. He knocks one of the guards, who falls into the guard in front, and so on, creating a very noisy domino effect throughout the whole hall. Everyone cheers on, while Adonis looks ready to cry.

"Look at this!", he whimpers, "We went from Royalty to recycling!".

The merry men and Gar are still surrounded to the door.

"Little John, could you get the door?", asks Gar pleasantly.

"Alright", says Mammoth, "I'll try".

As Mammoth single-handedly picks up the bar over the door, Gar turns to the party.

"Well, it's been a wonderful party and we'd love to stay and all that, but I'm afraid we must dash", he says, "So ta ta."

All of them bow as Mammoth tosses the bar over them, it hitting Hot Spot, Cinderblock and Killer Moth and pinning them down. He blows Raven a kiss, who puts out her lips to catch it, only to have Jinx snap her hand in front of her face, catching the kiss.

"No no no", scolds Jinx,

Gar tips his hat to the crowd and they all leave. Adonis stands dripping pig parts that somehow got all over him.

"Ewwwww I gotta wash pig guts off me!" cries Adonis, "this shirt is dry clean only!!!"

"Stop complaining!" snaps dumas4, "or you'll get locked in the box again!"


	7. Chapter 7

Act seven

We go to nighttime in Jump City forest. Mammoth, Cyborg, Star and Speedy are all standing on wooden stage, which Gar also climbs up on. In front of the stage are a handful of characters

"I sent word throughout Jump City to send us the best men..and women they had", says Mammoth proudly, gesturing to the Jump City citizens, "...and these are 'em!".

Gar looks at the group. They all talk boredly to themselves, as Dr. Light picks his nose and wipes it on his jacket

"Uhhhhh...", says Gar, "We're in allot of trouble".

He steps forward to the front of the stage to address them

"Good people, who have traveled all over Jump City, lend me your ears!".

They look at him for a second before each pulling off one of their own ears and tossing it at him, resulting in Gar being bombarded with ears.

"That is disgusting", mutters Gar, not noticing the ear stuck to his cheek, he clears his throat, "Hear me. Men the likes of Prince John and Fruitland should be stopped!"

"Yeah!" agree the Citizens enthusiastically.

"Stopped from taxing us into poverty!" shouts Gar, the ear wobbles.

"Yeah!" they reply.

"Stopped from taking from us what is rightfully ours!"

"Yeah!"

"If we stand up to them, all together as one", says Gar, "we can win the day!"

"Yeah!" shout the Citizens.

"We shall go on to de end. We shall not flag or fail", says Gar, then begins to ramble...again, "We shall fight on the seas and oceans. We shall defend our isle...town whatever the cost may be. We shall never surrender. Then they shall say of us, never have so many, done so much, for so few".

"Churchill rip-off", mutters Cyborg.

Loud snoring can be heard as the group falls asleep.

"That was beautiful..." says Star with a sigh, then frowns, "What's going on?"

"They're asleep", says Cyborg, sighing and walking over to Gar, "Tough crowd. Why don't you let me give it a try?".

"...Okay", says Gar, stepping back.

Cyborg nods, standing on the front of the stage. He pulls out a huge pair of glasses, putting them on his face, making his eyes look huge. He shakes his head, crossing his arms.

"Um Gar? You, ah, you got something on your face." Say Mammoth

Gar wipes at the wrong cheek. "Is it gone?"

"Umm, yeah, sure." Says Speedy.

Mean while, Cyborg is doing his thang.

"Look at yourselves!" he snaps, causing the Jump City civilians to snap awake, "Go ahead, take a look around!"

The group looks at each other rather blankly

"Oh people of Jump City you've been had!", says Cyborg

"Yeah!" says the crowd

"Hoodwinked!"

"Yeah!"

"Bamboozled!"

"Yeah!"

"Run amuck!"

"Yeah!"

"We didn't land on Jump City Forest", says Cyborg, "Jump City Forest landed on us!"

"...That… must have been painful", muses Brother Blood.

"Yeah!", shout the group, ignoring him.

Gar steps back forward, thanks Cyborg then addresses the group again.

"Brother Achoo is right", he says, "And I say we fight back!"

"Yeah!", shout the group.

"Are you with me, yay or nay?!", asks Gar.

The group pause for a second.

"Eerrrrr...which one means yes?" asks Chang, holding up a hand.

Gar looks at the group before sighing.

"Yay", he moans.

"Yay!", shout the group.

We skip to morning, where the rookies are lining up by some tables, collecting their gear as the Merry Titans pass them out.

"Grab your uniforms and equipment and prepare for the training sequence", grins Gar.

"Alright ladies and gentlemen", says Star Fire from his uniform table, "grab your feathered hats, flair's, tie-dye shirts, platform shoes, mood ri..".

"_STAR FIRE_!", shouts dumas4, throwing a shoe at her.

"What?", asks Star innocently, "they need the shoes and rings of prettyness!"

"This is the middle-ages!" snaps Draconus, waving his hands in the air, "They don't wear that junk!"

"Fine then! Huh, I was just trying to put a bit of style in the story, jeez", mutters Star, then continues in monotone, "Grab your boring Robin Hood gear, boots, swords, quivers, and, oooooh, pantyhose!"

We go to an archery field, the targets are lined up and Gar is _TRYING_ to teach the rookies archery

"Now, people, the object of this exercise is to hit the target", he says, rolling his eyes, "...duh".

He lets loose an arrow, which hits the bullseye. The rookies are amazed, then go to try it themselves. Chang can't reach the arrow pouch on his back to get his arrows. Gar watches this for a while, then turns to the camera, stares at it for a while, then looks back at the scene.

"Humph", says Gar, with a slightly bemused chuckle.

Chang, having got his arrow, tries to fire, only to drop his quiver, Mad Mod's quiver flies back in his face, Blood shoots his backwards, and a groan from Mod is heard, Red Star snaps his quiver in half and Spike bends the whole thing out of shape. We move to another field, where Speedy and the rookies are on horses, Gar and the others watching.

"Now, people, I want you to keep your eye on Will, and do exactly as he does", he says, then pauses to consider, "...except for the maniacal laughing."

Speedy gives a maniacal laugh, then has his horse gallop towards where several dummy jousters are standing. He manages to knock his dummy off the horse with no problem. The Merry Titans cheer him on, while the Rookies scoff.

"That's not so hard", snorts Panthra, "we can do that!"

The other Rookies agree with her. Speedy rides up to the Merry Titans, and Gar puts a biscuit in his mouth

"Good boy", says Gar, patting Speedy on the head, "Ready men? CHARGE!".

The Rookies charge for the dummies, every one of the Rookies being knocked off their horses. Gar puts his head in his hands, trying not to cry.

"Man, Garfield, maybe we should just take the dummies into battle", mutters Cyborg.

Gar laughs, then pauses, stroking his goatee thoughtfully.

We go to the castle, where, once again, Robin walks into a room.

"Sire, I must speak with you!" says Robin.

Adonis, who's mole is now on his left cheek, is lounging around naked in the bathtub, four happy looking women using pipes to blow bubbles into it, making it a Jacuzzi.

"Darn it, did I _have _ to be naked in this scene?" he mutters, then looks at the women, "And who _are _these people?"

Robin walks up to the bathtub.

"_Nice_", he states, grinning from ear to ear.

"Uh-oh", coughs Adonis, putting a toy sub-marine in a very helpful place.

Robin looks at the bubbling tub before sniffing.

"What are you smelling?", asks Adonis, "These aren't _my_ bubbles, they're from the pipes!".

"Your majesty, I have terrible news", sighs Robin.

"What?", snaps Adonis.

"Struck has Logan again", says Robin gravely.

Adonis blinks.

"...What?".

"Logan has struck again", sighs Robin.

Adonis sighs and looks at the pipe-blowers.

"I need a little privacy, so you girls can blow".

The pipe-blowers blow harder on their pipes

"Not blow", he snaps, "blooow".

The pip-blowers are forcibly moved away by dumas4.

"Am I right to feel weird about being naked in the same room as Robin?", asks Adonis.

"Why?", asks Robin, "... do you feel weird?".

"I don't think we should be having this conversation", says Adonis pointedly.

"You started it, I'm not ashamed of your beautiful body", says Robin with a sniff.

"Stop it!", screams Adonis, covering his ears.

"Just read the script!" snaps dumas4, "As funny as this is, stop making Adonis uncomfortable, and do this right!"

"I'm so depressed", whimpers Adonis.

"Your majesty, come with me and I will show you something that will make you _very_ happy!", grins Robin.

"...Ok", says Adonis, blinking, "...now I _really _feel weird".

"I'd like to get this scene done before lunch!" cries dumas4

"Fetch the royal robe!", orders Robin, before pausing, "Majesty, stop me if I'm wrong about this...but wasn't your mole... on the other side?".

Adonis stares at him in horror

"I have a _mole_?!!!!".

We move to outside, where Robin is sitting on a catapult next to a pile of rocks, Adonis watching.

"What is it?" asks Adonis, cocking his head at it.

"It's what we've named a 'stealth catapult'", says Robin proudly, "We've been working on it secretly for months".

"It can hurl one of these heavy boulders _undetected_ over a hundred yards completely destroying anything it hits" says Robin.

"That... really doesn't sound 'stealthy'", points out Draconus.

"Wow, how does it work?", asks Adonis.

"It's quite simple really", says Robin, "You just take one of these heavy rocks, put it here where I'm sitting and then pull on that lever."

"...Wile E. Coyote syndrome coming up", says dumas4 with an evil grin.

"You mean like this?", asks Adonis.

With a tiny look of glee in his face, he pulls the lever, catapulting Robin into the air. We cut into Aqualad's lair, where he is kneeling by his bed, praying.

"Oh dear lord, if you see fit to send me my one true love...", he sighs

Suddenly, Robin falls through the ceiling, landing on the bed. Aqualad blinks, before looking up.

"Thank you", he grins.

He makes a purring sound and climbs onto the bed, straddling the panicking Robin.

"Ooooooh let me work my magic on you", he purrs.

"No no no… I", stammers Robin, "I've got a headache, I've got a headache!".

He struggles free and runs off, leaving Aqualad on the bed.

"Ooooooooohhhhh BUGGER!", he snaps, pinching his thumb and forefinger together, "I was THAT close, I touched it!".

"We are done!", grins dumas4.

"Good, now where did Robin go?", asks Aqualad,

"Robin has left the building", says Robin, "...he's not here... I'm his stand in ... please leave me alone".

"It's the ugly make-up, isn't it?", whimpers Aqualad, "I HATE you!".

"Awww, young love", sighs Draconus.


	8. Chapter 8

Act eight

We go to Jump City forest, where Red-X is sitting on a cart, filled with wine barrels, being pulled by a donkey.

"How on EARTH did I end up being a Rabbi!", he mutters, "...I ain't exactly the most holy of people, you know".

"Please, just talk to the donkey", sighs dumas4.

"I don't like the way your walkin'", Red-X says, then points accusingly at the donkey, "You've been inta the sacramental wine again, yer farshnoshket! ...What's a farshnoshket? Ya drunken mule you!"

His cart turns a corner and is greeted by the Merry Titans

"Halt there my friend", Gar says, striking a pose, "You have just entered the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Titans".

Red-X looks at Gar standing on a rock, then at the Merry Titans around him, all dressed in tights.

"Faigelehs?", he asks, jiggling his hand

The Merry Titans mutter and dust themselves off, taking a few steps away from each other.

"No, no", says Gar, clearing his throat, "we're straight, just… Merry".

"...Merry huh? ...Okay, where's the booze?", asks Red-X, then arches a brow, " Azoy? And who might you be, with your exceptionally long feather in your hat?".

"I am Garfield Of Logan", says Gar with a bow.

"Garfield Of Logan?" smirks Red-X, "I've just come from Maid Raven, the lady who's heart you stole, you prince of thieves you. I knew her mother an' father before they were taken by the plague, Lord an' Lady Roth. Ya know, ya were meant fer each other, you an' Maid Raven", points out Red-X, "What a combination. Logan an' Roth, can't miss!".

"And who are you, sir?" asks Gar.

"I am Rabbi Tuckman", says Red-X, "Purveyor of sacramental wine an' mohel extrordinaire".

"Allo Rabbi", say the Merry Titans.

Red-X lifts his hat, complete with Rabbi hair.

"Allo boyus".

"Mohel...", Gar frowns, "I don't believe I ever heard of that profession".

"Mohel, he's a very important guy!", grins Red-X, "He makes circumcisions".

"And, what pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?", asks Speedy, then blinks, "...do I really want to know?".

"It's the latest rage, the ladies love it!", says Red-X with a nod.

All the Merry Titans start to ask for one, Mammoth even asks for two

"I'm game, how's it done?" asks Gar. "Wait a minute I know what a circumcision is! I don't want one!"

"Read the script or it's into the box and no visits from Raven!" declares Dracaenas.

"It's a snap", says Red-X, reaching into his cart, pulling out a desk-top guillotine and a carrot

"That...really doesn't look good", says Cyborg, turning a pale color.

"What? ... What's he got?", asks Star Fire, turning her head from side to side.

"I take my little machine, I take your little thing, see", says Red-X, placing the carrot into the guillotine, "I put it inta this little hole here and...".

He chops the end of the carrot off with the guillotine

"Snip the tip!".

"That...didn't sound nice", whimpers Star Fire.

"Be glad you're a girl", says Speedy.

The Merry Titans shuffle around uncomfortably

"Who's first?", asks Red-X cheerfully.

Mammoth grabs Speedy in front of him as a human shield.

"I've changed me mind", he cries.

"I forgotten, I've already got one", says Cyborg with a nervous laugh.

Star Fire starts to raise her hand.

"Question".

Cyborg quickly puts it down to stop her from asking.

"I gotta work on a much younger crowd", says Red-X.

"Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you join us and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council and perhaps", Gar grins, "...some of your wine?".

The Merry Titans perk up at the though of alcohol.

"Beeeeeer!" sings Mammoth and Cyborg.

"It's wine you idiots!" says Speedy, rolling his eyes.

"Beeeeeer!"

"Wisdom an' council, that's easy", says Red-X, "But this is sacramental wine, it's only used to bless things".

The Merry Titans become downhearted. Awe…No booze for the Titans...

"Wait a minute!", says Red-X, feeling sorry for them, "There's things here!. There's trees, there's birds, there's rocks, there's squirrels. Lets bless them all until we get farshnoshket, join me!"

"What's farshnoshket?" asks Cyborg

"Who cares, we're getting booze!" shouts Mammoth happily.

"Let's hear it for the beer, uh I mean, the Rabbi!" shouts Gar.

The Merry Titans cheer and start to off load the drink from the cart. Meanwhile, we go back to the castle. In a room by a table sits Robin, on the other side of the table sits Superboy, with Silkie in this lap. On either side of Superboy stand Wildebeest and Galfore

"Good evening Don El", says Robin.

Superboy says something in Italian, petting Silkie on the head.

"...Yes", says Robin, blinking, "it was very good of you to come on such short notice".

Superboy shrugs

"And all the way from Jersey," says Robin.

Superboy gives dumas4 a cold, hard glare before sighing

"Well, it is quite a drive", he says modestly.

"You do realize that Prince John expressly commanded that this be a secret meeting?", points out Robin, gesturing to Wildebeest and Galfore, "I mean, who are these men?".

"These are my trusted associates", says Superboy, "On my right, Wildebeest"

Wildebeest is puffing on a cigar and some bandit music plays

"On my left, Galfore", Superboy says, pointing at Galfore

Galfore leans over the table at Robin.

"We-thank-you-for-inviting-us-on-the-day-of-your-daughters-wedding", says Galfore in monotone, "I-hope-her-first-child-is-a-masculine-child".

"Shut up, we did not even have our meeting yet", snaps Superboy.

Galfore blinks and sits down.

"Oh yeah." He mutters.

"Oh yeah. Okay, I am understanding that you have been bothered by this fruit, Garfield of Logan", says Superboy, "And you want Garfield rubbed out, eliminated, maybe even killed?"

"Yes, you put it succinctly", says Robin.

"Suc...what?" asks Superboy, blinking.

"Succinctly", says Robin, "it means perfectly".

"Uh... yeah, I knew that".

He crunches a few nuts in a bowl and eats them

"Can I have some?" asks Galfore hopefully.

Superboy blinks at him.

"...No".

"Excuse me, Don El", says Robin, "...your… worm... seems limp".

"At my age, you know, sometimes", says Superboy, then blinks, "...oh my worm! No no, he's just sleeping, that's all. Silkie, Silkie, wake up".

He tickles Silkie under the chin and Silkie purrs.

"Silkie...I could have been somebody, I could have been a contender", Superboy grimaces, holding the worm at arms length, "God, he's got bad breath".

"Be glad you don't have to live in the same house as him", mutters Robin.

Silkie pees on Superboy's hand.

"That was NOT in my contract", cries the Kryptonian clone, "...eew, that is really, really gross".

"LINE!" screams dumas4

"He got excited", says Superboy, then sighs, "...now I am going to smell of worm pee all day".

Superboy leans over and wipes his hand on Wildebeest's motorbike jacket. Wildebeest stares at Superboy in a way suggesting that he will suffer a long painful death later.

"Now normally, I would have been so happy at offering service to you", says Superboy, "But there is something that is weighing very heavily on my heart. In the years we have been being friends, Jump City and Jersey", says Superboy, "never once have you invited me to your home, for coffee and cake, or gornoore, or something".

"Gor what?" asks Robin, confused.

"Gornoore", says Superboy, "it is a pastry with stuffing and it had the stuffing on it and had the sprinkles, mmm".

"Excuse me, I don't understand a word you're saying", says Robin.

"No, I am just coming back from the dentists", says Superboy, pulling cotton balls out of his mouth, "he left in the cotton balls".

Superboy hands them to Galfore.

"Ewwwww, those have been in your mouth!" grimaces Galfore.

"Ah hem!" snaps dumas4, tapping his foot and pointing to his watch.

"I-wiil-take-these-cottonballs-from-you-with-my-hand-and-put-them-in-my-pocket", says Galfore, doing so.

Superboy shakes his head at Galfore, rolling his eyes.

"Your other associate says very little", says Robin.

Wildebeest shifts from foot to foot.

"Well, my other associate says nothing", says Superboy.

"And why is that?"

"Because, my enemy cut out his tongue", says Superboy simply.

"_GOOD GRIEF_!" shouts Robin, "why?".

"Because a while back he was leading a hunt for my enemy", says Superboy, then waves his hands, sticking out his tongue, " A creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair! It was waiting for them with nasty, big, pointy teeth."

"And just who was this enemy?" asks Robin.

"Come over here", says Superboy, gesturing him over, "I have a photo. There see it?"

"What? Behind the rabbit?"

"It _is _the rabbit!"  
"You silly sod!"  
"What?"  
"You got me all worked up!"  
"Well, that's no ordinary rabbit."  
"Oh."  
"That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!"  
"You twit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!"  
"Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!"  
"Get stuffed!"  
"He'll do you up a treat, mate."  
"Oh, yeah?"  
"I'm warning you!"  
"What's he gonna do? Nibble your bum?"  
"He's got huge, sharp... er ... He can leap about. Look at the bones! Look what he did to Wildebeest!"  
Wildebeest leans forward with a sigh, and opens his mouth showing that he has no tongue.

"Go like this", says, Superboy clicking his tongue, then laughs as Wildebeest steps back with a scowl, "He can not do it! I am loving to tease him!"

"Tell me Don El", says Robin, "What do you intend to do about Garfield of Logan?"

"Listen to this. I have got an idea", says Superboy, "Tomorrow, Tomorrow you are going to have your mid-evil fun and games. You are to make the archery event the most important contest, Garfield will not be being able to resist".

"Why is that?" asks Robin.

"Will Raven be there dancing naked for me?" asks Gar from backstage.

"We'll-make-him-an-offer-he-can't-refuse", says Galfore.

"Raven WILL be dancing naked!" cries Garfield with a squeal of delight.

"Maybe" says Raven patting Gar on the head.

"NO!" shouts dumas4. "Now get to your places!"

"I was just going to say that", says Superboy moodily, tossing the nuts at Galfore.

"Oww", says Galfore, "...my eye".

"That's brilliant!" grins Robin.

"No", says Galfore, "it really, really hurt!"

"Not you", snaps Robin, "the idea!"

"Thank you," grins Superboy.

"But, you do realize that Garfield is the finest archer in all the land?" says Robin.

"Oh no, don't you understand?" says Superboy, "Galfore is good, better, best. Show him your archery medals".

Galfore stands up and opens his coat, which is covered by medals, which let off an amazing glow.

"This coat weighs a ton", mutters Galfore, "... by the way".

"Ta da", says Superboy proudly.

"Wow wee!" says Robin in amazement.

"I couldn't have been saying it better myself", says Superboy, "Now, Galfore beats Garfield at the archery contest and then Wildebeest makes Garfield no more".

Wildebeest pulls out a crossbow from his pocket.

"No more?" asks Robin.

"Okaay, you are wanting it in plain English?", asks Superboy, "Garfield is going to be dead. D-E-D, dead!".

"That's not how you spell..." starts Robin.

"D-E-D: DEAD!", growls Superboy.

Robin whimpers in fear before clinking wineglasses with Superboy, both of them laughing evilly. On the balcony above them, Raven has heard all of this. She runs into her room, clapping on the lights, and pokes a sleeping Jinx.

"Broomhilde", she says, "Broomhilde, wake up!".

"Ugh?" mutters Jinx, opening an eye.

"There's a foul plot afoot!", whispers Raven.

"Eet's not mien feet", protests Jinx, "I just vashed them!"

"No, Prince John and the Sheriff have hired men to kill Garfield!" cries Raven, "We must warn them immediately!"

Raven goes to leave, only to have Jinx stop her

"Vait, my Lady", says Jinx, "eef Prince John should see us..."

"You're right", frowns Raven, "...we'll go out the back!".

She runs to the balcony

"Lady?" she calls, "...I can't believe I'm about to throw myself off a balcony"

"Don't try this at home, kids!" grins dumas4.

"And your not the horse Gar!" shouts Draconus.

She slings herself over the balcony and drops off, landing on a horse which has just trotted over.

"Broomhilde, I'm going on ahead, catch me up", she says, "Come on Lady".

As she trots off Jinx whistles.

"Farfelkugel!"

Another horse trots up and Jinx pulls herself over the balcony, complete with all her padding

_She's got to be kidding, _says the horse

As Jinx drops, the horse steps to the side, so she hits the pavement, leaving a huge crack

"Thank God for all the padding!", mutters Jinx, standing up, looking the horse in the eyes, "If I vas you, I vould _NEVER_ do zat again. Any questions?"

The horse shakes his head

"Gut", says Jinx, climbing on as they gallop off after Raven.

* * *

I hope you guys like this one. Guardian of Azarath, you wanted the killer rabbit, so here it is. Hope it fits with what you were expecting. Keep up the reviews people, they're all that keeps me going. 


	9. Chapter 9

Act nine

We go to Jump City Forest at night. As Gar rides into the Merry Men's camp, he sees Star Fire standing on the watchtower, holding a hand to her ear

"Blinkin'", says Gar, frowning, "what are you doing up there?"

"Guessing." says Star Fire; "I...guess no one's coming".

"Please come down from there", says Gar, then adds under his breath, "...twit".

"Please friend, what is a twit?" asks Star Fire.

Garfield shakes his head and rides off, as Star Fire heads to the exit of the watch tower

"Well... I guess there's a ladder around here somewhere..." she mutters.

She finally finds it, and after much moving around swings out of the tower, only to knock the ladder down, she reaches out for the non-existent ladder, only to flail around in mid air before falling to the ground with a thud.

Star Fire picks herself up and dusts herself off before pausing.

"Why did I not fly?" she ponders.

"SCRIPT!" shouts dumas4.

"I CAN SEE!" she shouts, and starts to run joyfully...headlong into a tree.

"Nope, I was wrong", Star Fire sighs, walking off.

"Twit," says dumas4.

We go to another part of the camp, where Speedy and Mammoth leave 'ye-olde-port-a-privy's'...separate ones...not the same one...

"Thanks allot!" grumbles Mammoth.

"Yeah, they probably wouldn't have thought any different if you hadn't said that", whines Speedy, "now you've given them the idea! It's not like we're Robin and Aqualad."

"Just get on with it", snaps dumas4, "what is it, slack off day!"

"Blimey, these are hard to get on", says Mammoth, "Let's face it, you gotta be a man to wear tights. Will, how are me seams?"

"Perfect", says Speedy, with a wide grin.

"Every time!" grins Mammoth proudly.

He and Speedy high-five each other and music starts up, all the other Merry Titans show up too and start to dance and sing.

**We're men, men in tights**

**We roam around Jump City looking for fights.**

As the group do a punch swipe in unison, Mammoth has to duck from being hit by Star Fire, then has to steady her before she falls over.

**We're men, men in tights**

**We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right.**

As the four main merry titans lean on each other's back in front, Mammoth has to turn Star Fire around so she's leaning the right way, all done while still singing.

**We may look like sissies**

**But watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights. **

As they punch forward, Star Fire punches to the side, hitting Speedy in the face.

"Jeez, you have one heck of a right hook!" says Speedy, stumbling a little.

**We're men, men in tights**

**Always on guard defending the people's rights.**

They all get into a can-can line as they sing

**La la la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la**

**Lalalalalalala**

**We're men, manly men**

**Men in tights, yessss!**

**We roam around Jump City looking for fights.**

As the main four start to move to the side, Mammoth is once again forced to grab Star Fire to pull her in the right direction.

**We're men, men in tights**

**We rob from the rich and give to the poor that's right.**

**We may look like pansies**

**But watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights. **

This time Star Fire smacks Mammoth in the face.

"Girl, you do that again and I'll kill you", he mutters as they sing.

**We're men, men in tights**

**Tight tights**

**Always on guard defending the peoples rights**

**When you're in a fix just call for the men in tights.**

**We're butch!**

"Cut!", says dumas4 happily.

"Okay, now I get ta kill blinky Jane!", snaps Mammoth, starting after Star Fire.

"Help!" cries Star Fire, running away.

* * *

Glad you guys liked the last chapter. still havent figured out where to put the knights who say ni, so if you have any ideas let me know, theyll be greatly appreciated. thanks again and R&R!


	10. Chapter 10

Act ten

Still in the Merry Titans camp, Raven and Jinx ride in on their horses where we see Gar telling the others a story. As we near them, we hear him

"And then they made me their chief."

At this Raven and Jinx break out laughing so hard they almost fall off their horses.

Gar looks up and notices the arrivals

"Raven", smiles Gar happily

He walks over to her and holds out his arms to help her off her horse. Raven happily jumps into them

"Mmmmm...", she sighs, "you have such strong arms".

Jinx sighs sadly from her horse and Mammoth walks over as Gar did

"Here allow me", he says with a grin

"Danke", says Jinx, jumping into Mammoth's arms, but the padding is too much and Mammoth falls to the floor, Jinx on top of him

"Puurrrrrr", says Jinx.

"JINX! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cries Cyborg.

"You're so sweet, ees zere anyzing I can do for you?" asks Jinx.

Mammoth looks more than slightly panicked as she stokes his side.

"Yeah...you can get off me".

Jinx gives Mammoth a glare that would melt an iceberg before getting up and storming off.

The other Merry Titans have a laugh at this.

"Little John!" chides Gar.

"I panicked!" whimpers Mammoth.

"Darling", says Gar, turning to Raven, "why have you come here?"

"What? I can't just pop by to visit my man?", snaps Raven, before frowning, "...I've come to warn you. Prince John and Fruitland have hired murderers to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You mustn't go!"

"Well.. thats easy", says Gar with a shrug, "I won't".

"Oh I'm so happy...man, that sounds cheesy!" says Raven, "They were going to try and lure you there by having an archery contest".

She and Gar close in for a kiss, when Gar suddenly turns his head away, thinking.

"An archery contest?" says Gar smiling.

"Their archer is unbeatable!" says Raven.

Gar stokes his goatee in thought, then blinks as some hair comes off it.

"My goatee isn't well", he whimpers.

"I'm not surprised", says Robin, "the amount of times you stroke the thing".

"At least I've got a proper goatee", says Gar, "instead of that dinky thing on your chin".

"You leave my love patch alone!" snaps Robin.

"Will you two STOP IT!" screams Draconus.

"Reeaaaaallly?" ponders Gar.

"Ugh, you're worse than Robin with the competition thing, what IS it with men and their need to prove their masculinity?" mutters Raven, "Promise you won't go!"

"Ok, I promise you won't go", says Gar with a nod.

"Thank you..." says Raven, then pauses, looking slightly confused.

"Hey, wait a minute Gar ", says Cyborg, "you said..."

"Cooooool it", says Gar through gritted teeth as he kisses Raven's gloved hand.

"Chilled", says Cyborg.

Gar and Raven smile before going off on their own.

"The night is young and you're so beautiful", he says, "...B flat".

Raven blinks, then Gar suddenly bursts into song, making her jump.

**The night is young and you're so beautiful**

"You trying to give me a heart attack?!" snaps Raven as he keeps singing.

**Here among the shadows, beautiful lady**

**Open your heaaaarrrt**

As Gar serenades Raven, the Merry Titans gather on the other side of a sheet, which is splitting the pair from the rest of the camp, making Raven and Gar seem like silhouettes.

"Popcorn?" asks Red Star, handing some to Lightning as Gar continues to sing.

**The scene is set **

**The breezes sing of it**

**Can't you get into the swing of it lady**

**When do we start?**

**When the lady is kissable**

Star Fire, Mammoth, Cyborg and Speedy start to act as background singers.

_**Ooooooh ooooooh ooooooohhhh**_

Raven blinks, looking around for where the backing vocals are coming from, while Gar swings her hands in his hands.

**And the evening is cold**

_**Oooooooooh ooooh ooooohhhh**_

**Any dream is permissible**

The other Merry Titans start to sway to the beat.

**In the heart of a voooooooo...**

He gasps for breath.

_**Ooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh**_

**The moon is high and you're so glamorous**

**And if I seem over amorous lady**

_**Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh**_

**What can I dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?**

This line causes a small gust of wind to blow Raven's crown off her head. She grabs it, grinning stupidly as she fits it back on.

**The night is young and I'm in love with yoooooooooouuuuuuu!**

On the other side of the screen, Gar's sword looks likes something very, VERY different and the Merry Titans cheer and egg Gar on. Gar pulls down the sheet and the Merry Titans give a disappointed sigh, seeing it was only the sword. The pair walks off again.

"A whole darn forest and STILL no privacy!" snaps Raven.

"Oh my dearest. I'm ready for that kiss now", he says.

"But first, I must warn you..." says Raven, holding up a finger." It could only be a kiss, for I am a virgin and could never go… all the way", says Raven.

"But..." starts Gar.

"Unless of course, I were married", says Raven, "Or if a man pledged his endless love to me".

"Or if I knew he desperately cared for me", says Raven, then thinks, "...or if he were really cute".

"Oh but darling! You're shivering! Are you cold?" says Gar, shutting her up, "What are you wearing underneath that cape?"

"Practically nothing", purrs Raven.

Garfield goes to hug her followed by a metallic thunk, Gar giving a groan of pain.

"Oh...except that", says Raven, "I forgot to tell you about my chastity belt...it's an Everlast".

"...I'll bet", whimpers Gar, "Big Gar, speak to me!"

"Oh darling, don't despair for it is written on a scroll..." says Raven.

They both look out into the void, signifying something of importance.

"What are we looking at?" whispers Gar.

"I don't know," she whispers back.

"One day he who is destined for me, shall be endowed with a magical key, that will bring an end to my" Raven pauses for effect, "...virginity".

"Oh Raven", sighs Gar, "if only it t'were me".

"Wow, you really pulled off the English accent!" says Raven, "Oh if t'were you, it t'wd be t'wererific!"

They lean in to kiss,

"Achtung!" saps Jinx, "No ding ding vithout ze Vedding ring".

They sigh, looking down, then try again.

"Eh bepbepbepbep!" says Jinx.

Raven gets on her horse.

"Goodbye, my dearest." Gar sighs.

Raven waves and then she and Jinx ride off, leaving Gar waving like an idiot.

"Too-ta-loo" says Gar, "Au revior. Auf weidesen. Ciao. Ding dow dai".

"CUT!" shouts dumas4.

* * *

thanks for all the wonderfull reviews. oh and MasterBrattan, galfore is the guy who raised starfire on tamaran, and katarou is the ninja guy robin fought when he went to see the true master.

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

Act eleven

We go to the annual spring fair of Jump City, where the residents of Jump City are bustling around, enjoying themselves. We zoom in on where Mammoth, Speedy, Star Fire and Cyborg are walking around dressed as women. Speedy mutters to himself

"For the love of...what's wrong now", says Cyborg, glaring at him.

"I should have never worn these shoes", moans Speedy " They don't match my purse ".

"You obviously have some issues ta work through", mutters Mammoth.

Speedy just rolls his eyes.

The group moves on, trying to act feminine, and are failing badly...well… except for Star Fire. We go to where Dr. Light is tossing snacks at the crowd. Up on the royal stand, Gnarrk and Val-Yor blow trumpets on either side of Adonis's ear, who's mole has moved to the right hand side of his chin, making him wince. Control Freak steps forward, complaining about his miniscule part in the whole production.

"THE ROYAL ARCHERY CONTEST IS ABOUT TO BEGIN! ARCHERS TAKE YOUR PLACES" he announces.

Adonis groans and holds his head, then sits down as various archers get lined up. Among them is Galfore, and a very suspicious looking old man...with green skin. Robin takes his seat next to Adonis

"Are we...'prepared'", asks Adonis.

"Have all the 'toys' right here", grins Robin, then blinks"...oh that... yes sire".

He waves rather stupidly into the distance. In a tower, we see Superboy nod and silently put together a crossbow

"Oooooooh coolies", grins Adonis

"ARCHERS, TO THE LINE", shouts Control Freak "READY, AIM...WAIT FOR IT...FIRE".

The archers shoot at the target, only two arrows hitting the bullseye

"THE TWO ARCHERS WHO HIT THE BULLSEYE CAN STAY, THE REST OF GENTLEMEN YOU CAN BUGGER OFF", Control Freak gives a squeak"...my throat is getting rather sore".

"Do I look like I care", asks Draconus "'cause I really don't."

Robin watches as only Galfore and the suspicious green skinned old man are left. He grabs Adonis's arm, who swats him off.

"No touching", snaps Adonis "you're so touchy, you need to get that seen to."

"There he is", says Robin, ignoring him "The old man is Logan".

"Are you sure", asks Adonis, squinting at the man"...he looks more like Mark Twain".

"THE OLD MAN, MAY GO FIRST", shouts Control Freak.

The suspicious green skinned old man shoots his arrow, hitting the bullseye, making the crowd cheer

"Well done", says Robin, pausing for effect "Garfield of Logan."

The crowd gasps, then cheers as Gar takes of his disguise.

"Whoof whoof whoof whoof", shout the crowd, waving their hands in the air.

"Whoof whoof whoof whoof", chant Jinx and Raven in a much more quieter version.

"...Why are people woofing at me", asks Gar, confused.

The Merry Titans are watching this in shock.

"He's crazy, we gotta stop him", says Mammoth.

They charge forward, only to be blocked by Plasmus and Cinderblock.

"Sorry", Cinderblock pauses"...ladies, it's the Royal entrance, you'll have to go round the other way".

Meanwhile, in the Royal booth, Adonis yanks Robin back to his chair.

"Look what you've done you IDIOT" snaps Adonis "Now he's even more of a hero to the people!"

"Galfore still has another shot", points out Robin.

"But he hit the very center of the bullseye", says Adonis, shaking his head "Shmook".

Robin narrows his eyes at being called a 'shmook'

"Wait... and watch... sire", he says, then adds in a whiney voice "... and I'm not a shmook"

We see Galfore draw out an arrow and fire it. The arrow goes straight through Gar's own, hitting the bulls-eye. Punk Rocket looks up from the crowd, shocked

"He split Gar's arrow in twade", he shouts, lathering everyone close in spit.

The crowd cheers and run from the stands, picking up Galfore, while Gar watches, confused. The Merry Ladies...err... Titans, watch as the crowd start to boo and hiss at Gar

"Aww, Gar's in trouble", says Cyborg "come on".

He grabs Plasmus and Cinderblock in either arm and tosses them aside.

"Owww", groans Plasmus"...my leg".

Gar is still standing dumbfounded as the Merry Titans arrive by his side.

"I lost...I lost", Gar blinks "Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to lose! Let me see the script".

He plucks a script from a Sladebot's hands and starts to flick through it.

"Yo, Garfield, man", says Cyborg with a nervous laugh "time to fly".

The Merry Titans start to be bombarded with vegetables.

"Oh good, they've opened the salad bar", asks Star Fire.

"WAIT", grins Gar, pointing at the script "I get another shot".

"He gets another shot", shouts Cyborg.

"Yay", says Mammoth happily, hugging Gar's head, making Gar squeak in pain.

"Does Garfield get another shot", asks Raven, confused.

Adonis and Robin look at each other before taking scripts from two Sladebots themselves, flicking through them and sighing.

"Yes girls, he does, he does", they groan in unison.

Overload stands up to calm down the hissing and booing crowd.

"Sires and ladies. Silence, listen", says Overload "Garfield has another shot".

"Yay", shout the crowd.

"Lets give him the chop", shouts Overload.

The crowd starts to chop their arms up and down, while singing.

**Oh oh oooohh oh oh ohhhhh!**

"Kill him, kill him now", hisses Adonis.

Robin waves rather stupidly at Superboy again, who takes aim for Gar's head. He shoots his bow and Star Fire suddenly snaps out his hand, catching it inches from Gar's face.

"...Nearly died", squeaks Gar"...big…sharp…pointy."

Gar cries and suddenly hugs Star Fire

"Thank you my friend", he sobs.

"You are most welcome friend", says Star Fire.

"Gar", says dumas4 in a panicky singsong voice"...this isn't in the scriiiipt".

"I'm sorry, I'm better now...thought I saw the light", sniffles Gar "I heard heavenly voices. They sounded allot like Raven. I saw my own life flash before my eyes...I owe Robin a Wine Cooler".

"...How did you do that", asks Cyborg, trying to get things back on track.

"I heard that coming a mile away", says Star Fire matter-of-factly.

"Very good Blinkin, well done", says Gar.

"Pardon?" asks Star Fire, looking around in a confused way "Who's talking?"

Gar gets ready to fire another arrow,

Cyborg leans in to read the writing on it "Patriot arrow?"

Gar grins and starts to fire his arrow, only to have Galfore stomp on his foot, making the arrow shoot into the sky. Mammoth growls and punches Galfore, knocking him out. The arrow, meanwhile, turns around in the sky and comes down under the crowd, making them stand up in a demented Mexican wave. It does the same to the Royal booth and another stand before passing the target, turning around with a screech and slamming into the bulls-eye, blowing Galfore's arrow to bits.

"Yeees", shouts Raven, pumping the air in an un-ladylike fashion.

The crowd goes nuts, while Adonis pouts and Robin fumes. Having enough, Robin stands up.

"Arrest him", he shouts.

Suddenly, Terra, Sarasim, Gizmo and See-more appear, surrounding Gar. While Immortus, Madam Rouge and Le Blanc drag away the Merry Titans. Robin steps down from the Royal stand.

"Logan is a traitor to the crown", growls Robin "It'll be so much fun to watch you hang."

"Wait", shouts Raven, standing up.

They all pause to look at her.

"What for", asks Robin.

"If you promise not to kill Garfield, I'll do the most vile, foul, nauseatingly nastiest, disgusting thing I can think of".

"Oh and what's that", asks Robin.

"I shall marry you", says Raven.

"You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night and sometimes...right after lunch," says Robin.

Holding her head up high "But only my body. You can never have my mind, my body, my heart or my soul," says Raven.

"Oh yes, yes", says Robin with a nod "I respect that".

He turns to leave.

"Raven, my life's not worth it", begs Gar "Just say nay."

"Hah", says Robin "Walk this way".

He flicks his head back and struts off. Sarasim, See-more, Gizmo and Terra watch him, then look at Gar, all of them then shrug and flick their heads back and strut off after Robin.

"Send word to one and all and all and one", Adonis pauses"...that's a little redundant, isn't it".

"WHAT", shouts Control Freak.

"Shut up", snaps Adonis "Tell everybody that before the day is out, we shall have a wedding...or a hanging. Either way, we outta have allot of fun, huh".

The crowd cheer at Adonis, and the Merry Titans look on.

"We are grossly out-numbered", mutters Cyborg.

"Yeah, so what can we do", says Mammoth.

"We gotta get the Villagers".

"The Villagers", says Speedy "They're not ready to fight".

"Man, we are choiceless", snaps Cyborg "Hey, Blinkin, whats the fastest way to reach the Villagers".

"Why don't we Flash 'em", suggests Star Fire.

" Flash 'em", grins Cyborg.

" Flash 'em", laughs Speedy.

" Why do you guys like saying that so much?", asks Mammoth.

The Merry Titans walk off, Star Fire flailing her arms around until she attaches to Cyborg's shoulders and gets dragged along. We go to where Fang is feeding a wide-eyed and jumpy Kid Flash lots of chocolate and giving him plenty of coffee. He carefully hands him a note as the Merry Titans watch.

"Now Kid Flash, take this message to the Villagers as fast as you can", says Fang, prodding him with a long stick at arms length "Now, pay attention, have you got it".

"Yeahyeahyeahyeah! Runrunrun", giggles Kid Flash shivering in his chocolate-induced state. "GoVillagers. Delivermessage. Morecaffine! Hehehehehehhehehehehehe".

Fang gulps, stepping aside, as Kid Flash zooms off with a squeal, crashing through anything that gets in his way.

"Come on, lets get out of these ladies clothing, and get into our tights", says Cyborg.

They all suddenly whip off their dresses...

...To reveal their Merry Titans garb underneath

"Annnnnd cut", grins dumas4

"Shouldn't someone go and find Kid Flash?", asks Fang

"Nah, he'll just run around until he gets sleepy", says Draconus.

"And then what".

"He'll either fall asleep on his feet, killing thousands", says Draconus with a shrug "or he'll walk home".

"I think I'll book myself into a hotel tonight", murmurs Fang "...keep clear of civilization"

* * *

Sorry no Monty Python today, couldn't get it to fit right. Thanks for the reviews, and for the corrections. All mistakes have been corrected. R&R please. 


	12. Chapter 12

Act twelve

We open up to the gallows, where Slade is prancing around, trying to find a noose to fit Gar's neck.

"Letth get thtarted." Says Slade. "Occupation?  
"Stand-up philosopher." Gar replies  
Slade "Thtanda-whata?"  
"Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension."  
"Oh, a bullthit artitht!"  
"Errr..."  
"Did you bullthit latht week?"  
"No."  
"Did you try to bullthhit latht week?"  
"Yes!"

"QUIT IT YOU TWITS!" shouts dumass4, "this is _Robin Hood_! Not _History of The World_! Now read the script! And Slade, why are you speaking with a lisp."

"What _are_ you talking about? Thith ith how I alwayth talk." Replies Slade

"Can we get on with this, the noose is scratching my neck."

"Letth thee, are you about a 16 - 16 and a half", asks Slade "Heh heh".

He giggles and holds a noose around his neck to show

"You been eating whatever they fed Plasmus?" asks Gar nervously.

Slade ignores him, singing happily to himself as he ties a noose around Gar's neck.

"It's a little tight", gasps Gar.

"Wellllllll, thath the idea", laughs Slade "Would you care for a blindfold? How about half of one".

He giggles then lifts up his eye patch.

"Argghhhh! Put it back, put it back", screams Gar, closing his eyes "There's a reason why they make you wear one! ...I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks".

Slade laughs and kisses Gar on the cheek.

"Kill me, kill me now", whimpers Gar.

We hear an organ play and see Atlas walking down an isle, dressed in an Abbot's suit, Robin following behind him.

"I could kill you all with my thumb", mutters Atlas under his breath.

As he walks past the camera, he clonks it with the staff he was carrying.

"Was that necessary?" asks dumass4 with a sigh.

"Just putting out a point", says Atlas, matter-of-factly.

"Good Morrow Abbot", smiles Fixit.

"Good Morrow", says Atlas pleasantly.

"Welcome Abbot", smiles Kole.

"Morrow", says Atlas.

"Hello Abbot", says Krall.

"Good Morrow".

"Hey Abeeettttt", shouts Spike.

"I hate that guy", hisses Atlas.

Atlas and Robin make it onto a small altar, which is standing right next to the gallows that Gar is standing on. The music changes to the funeral march, and we see Adonis walking Raven up the isle. Adonis pauses and clicks some keys behind him, there is a blip blip and the castle gates close behind him.

"How convenient", grins Adonis.

Raven finally noticing the music just starts to laugh, and we see that Gar has somehow gotten loose and is playing the organ.

"GAR! Get back to your spot!" shouts dumass4

"Jeez, some people just can't take a joke." Mutters Gar as Slade refits the noose.

They get to the altar and Raven sees Gar standing, looking rather freaked out, with a noose around his neck.

"aawwww, now there's a naughty bit ah' crumpet", smirks Raven, "What's going on?"

"Just in case you change your mind, my dear", grins Robin.

"I would read this from the New Latin, but I don't feel like it so I won't, instead I'm just going to wing it", smiles Atlas.

"Yeah...this is exactly how I pictured my wedding day to be like", mutters Raven, crossing her arms.

"We are gathered here today, to witness the marriage of Dick the Sheriff of", Atlas pauses"...Dick? Your name is Dick?"

Everyone starts to giggle.

"Shut up, shut up", shouts Robin "Continue with the service".

"Okay", says Atlas, then adds with a snort "...Dick".

The whole crowd erupts into laughter again, we can hear the Merry Titans laughing from backstage, along with the Mafia.

"Dick", laughs Galfore.

"And you laughed at _my _name!" guffaws Gar.

"Shut up", screams Robin "OR I'LL KILL YOU ALL".

"...Someone's testy. Do you..." Atlas gives a sly smirk "Sheriff of Fruitland, take Maid Raven of Roth to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to hold in sickness and in health, 'till death do you part".

"Yes I do", snaps Robin "get on with it".

"And do you, Raven, vow to do all the stuff I just said to him", asks Atlas

"Yeah, when hell freezes over."

"GO RAE!"

"RAVEN", snaps dumass4.

"Sorry", sniffs Raven, getting back into character"...I...I...I".

"Say I do", says Robin sinisterly "or Garfield dies".

Over at the gallows, Slade waves at them and gives Gar's noose a few tugs with a demented giggle as Gar rolls his eyes.

"I... I", stammers Raven.

Suddenly, the Merry Men appear and Cyborg shoots a bow, snapping the rope around Gar's neck.

"I dooooo not", shouts Raven.

"Who's the Man", says Cyborg, boogying down "Who's the Man".

"Arrest them", shouts Robin "Seize them! Stop them".

"Hurt them, hurt them", chants Adonis.

"Look, the villagers are coming", shouts Fixit.

The crowd screams as the Village People show up and start singing.

"Well that was interesting." Says Draconus, "And now back to the show."

The villagers show up and start fighting with the guards. Gar pulls the noose from his neck and hands it back to Slade.

"I believe this is yours", says Gar.

"Well, you know what they thay, no noothe ith good noothe", says Slade, then laughs maniacally.

"I'm going to back away from you now", says Gar, doing so… slowly.

Slade runs off and Gar watches the fight from the gallows. Cyborg jumps up next to him.

"Nice shooting Achoo", says Gar.

"To tell the truth, I was aiming for the hangman", says Cyborg with a shrug.

The other Merry Titans climb up, a group of guards appearing at the bottom.

"On the count of jump", says Gar "Wait for it...JUMP".

As the guards run at them, the Merry Titans jump up, grabbing hold of the gallow bar, the guards fall off the other side of the gallows and end up face first in a bunch of buckets.

"Guys...there's a …thing in my …oh God that's not what I think it is, is it?!", whimpers Gizmo.

"That depends." Says Draconus "What do you think it is?"

The Merry Titans give a big high-five, but Star Fire's timing is off, so she misses them and ends up throwing herself of the floor.

"Oww", she groans from the floor.

The fight rages on, and we see that Robin and Raven are still on the altar.

"I shall have you, married or no", says Robin.

"Just what every girl wants to hear", mutters Raven. "Aqualad know you talk this way?"

"Yes… I mean no… I mean… Shut up!" stutters Robin.

Robin wraps Raven in a rug and slings her over his shoulder before running for the castle.

"Garfield, the Sheriff, he got your woman, man! He's going to deflower her in the tower", exclaims Cyborg "And cut", says dumass4

"Has anyone seen my bucket of 'toys'?" asks Aqualad.

Of stage Gizmo is heard screaming like a school girl.

"Never mind."

* * *

Sorry about the late update, between school and _other _things, i havent had much time. hope you enjoy! R&R please 


	13. Chapter 13

Act thirteen

We cut to the tower room, where Raven is lying on the bed,

"I'm sorry we don't have enough time for romance, my dear. But consider this foreplay", Robin winces "…oh God, I feel so horrible and dirty".

"You're a villain, get used to it", snapped Draconus "this is the last act anyway."

Robin gives Raven an apologetic look before jumping onto the bed to straddle her.

"Apologies in advance", says Robin, ripping off the dress, finding the everlast "A chastity belt? Oohh, that's gonna chafe my willy".

"Tee hee", giggles dumasa44 "willy."

"This is what we get for letting a teenager direct this scene", mutters Robin, then looks at Raven "I'll be back".

As he runs off, we see Speedy and Mammoth standing outside, still by the gallows.

"I hope she's still wearing her iron underwear", says Speedy.

We hear the sound of drilling coming from the tower.

Inside the tower, Raven is shaking...shaking allot.

"No matter what you'll do I shall never submmmiiiiiiiiiiit", she says, her voice shaking from all the drilling.

We see that Robin had got a jackhammer and is trying to use it to open the lock. The door suddenly bursts open and Gar steps in, striking a hero pose.

"Ah hah", says Gar.

"Gaaaaaaaarrrrfiiiieeeeeld!" judders Raven.

Gar studiedly draws out his sword.

"Prepare for the fight scene", he says.

Robin watches for a second, before dropping the jackhammer.

"Forgive the interruption, my darling", says Robin "I will dispatch your love, then come back and finish the job".

He grabs his sword and runs towards Gar.

"En guarde".

"You are SO slaughtering the French language", says Draconus.

"Thanks for the warning," says Gar.

Both fight, exchanging puns of all kinds, neither of them actually HITTING each other. Robin backs into a fire, burning his backside. They back into a corridor, where you can only see their siloettes. They both make hand shadow puppet animals, which attack each other, Gar's bizarre looking cow...

"It's a dog", says Gar.

... Sorry. Gar's bizarre looking dog, losing. They keep fighting until Gar sticks his pointed sword out of a window, hooking one of dumass44's doughnuts.

"Hey", says dumass44.

"Oh...sorry", says Gar, handing it back to him.

Robin suddenly pulls out a dagger but misses, instead cutting the locket off Gar's neck. The locket flies into the air, bursting open on the ceiling, a small key falls out of it and lands neatly in the lock of Raven's chastity belt.

"Who saw that one coming...", says Raven, rolling her eyes.

"It _is_ the key to the greatest treasure in all the land", grins Gar.

"Glad ya love me for my personality, Gar'", mutters Raven "Oh Garfield, this means you have always been my one true love because it's just the right size".

"It's not the size that counts, it's how you use it", snaps Robin.

" I see _someone_ has issues", grins Gar.

Robin and Gar start fighting again. Gar punches Robin in the face, making him crash into the wall and fall slumped in a chair. Gar smiles and kisses his sword.

"Thank you, my friend",

Robin suddenly gets up and charges towards Gar with his dagger...and right into the pointed end of the sword as Gar puts it under his arm. Gar moves and we see the sword jutting out of Robin's chest.

"Owww...dying hurts", says Robin, then sighs "I mean, oh it's not...so bad".

He turns and sees the rest of the sword is sticking through his back.

"...I was wrong."

As Robin falls to the floor, Aqualad comes in, screaming and crying, he runs to Robin's side. Gar and Raven shrug and go over to watch...'cause they're morbid like that.

"Oh my dear beloved Sheriff of Fruitland", cries Aqualad "You've been run through! How do you feel".

Robin blinks at him for a few moments.

"I'm DYING you fool".

"You don't HAVE to die", grins Aqualad.

"I... don't?" asks Robin, suddenly unsure.

"No. I've got this magic pill that could save your life", says Aqualad, waving it in front of him.

"Don't trust magic pills, Robin", shouts Speedy "they make swirly patterns. SWIRLY PATTERNS!"

Aqualad blinks, before looking back at Robin.

"And I'll give it to you, if you promise to marry me, and be mine forever".

Robin gives a worried glance at Raven and Gar, who watch him with interest.

"Oh... alright", he sighs.

Aqualad shoves the pill in his mouth before yanking out the sword; Robin's mortal wound healing instantly.

"Oooooohhh swirly patterns...man, where did you get this pill", slurs Robin.

"I _warned_ you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you _knew_, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little _bunny_, isn't it?" rants Speedy.

Everyone looks at him. Draconus is seen pinching his nose and shaking his head.

"He means pill everyone, now get back to work and stop listening to him." Says dumass44.

"It's a secret", snaps Aqualad, then smiles sweetly "How do you feel now".

"Good, surprisingly good", says Robin, then blinks as Aqualad strokes his hair "...and yet... somehow... incredibly depressed".

Aqualad giggles and gives him an Eskimo kiss before dragging Robin away, feet first.

"I always wanted to marry a cop", he grins.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!", screams Robin

Everyone paises and looks at him.

"Um I mean, Wait, wait, I've changed my miiiiiinnd" Robin screams as he is dragged away, never to be seen again.

"Well that was weird" says dumass44.

"Heh heh. Bye bye joy-boy!" snickers Draconus.

* * *

Sorry for the late update, college papers are a killer on a writers life. hope you enjoyed this one. next update should be soon. thanks again 


	14. Chapter 14

Finally, the much anticipated final act of Robin Hood: A Titans Parody. Maybe. Who knows, maybe I cut it of _again_. Read and Enjoy.

* * *

Act Fourteen 

Gar and Raven watch them go before looking at each other.

"I love you, Garfield of Logan."

"And I you, Raven of Roth."

He picks her up, maiden style and carries her to the bed.

"At last my darling."

Raven purrs and puts Gar's hand on the chastity belt.

"Yes, yes, yes yes", she gasps.

"Bow chica wow wow, bow chicha wow wow", says Draconus.

Suddenly, Jinx comes running in.

"Noooooooooooooooooooo", she screams "Vait, vait! You're not married yet! Before you do eet, you must go zrough eet, or else I blew eet...and now they are making me rhyme".

Gar and Raven look at each other and shrug. We go to outside a tent, where Red-X is giving circumcisions for half off. Gar, Raven and all the characters show up outside.

"Hey, Rabbi", shouts Gar.

"Who calls", asks Red-X, poking his head out of the tent.

"It is I, Garfield. We wish to get married", he says, then grins "In a hurry".

"Married in a hurry, that's wonderful", grins Red-X "Wait, I'm on my last customer, I'll be right out".

He goes back in and we hear the snip of the guillotine and a tortured scream.

"Did you here that?" Starfire whispers to Gar.

"Yeah, it's a dickfer." Gar whispers back.

"What's a dickfer?" asks Starfire

"To pee with." Reply Gar, Cyborg and Raven.

"Put a little ice on it, it'll be fine", says Red-X as he leaves his tent and walks to the conveniently placed altar.

"Married in a hurry, married in a hurry. Please, invite me to the briss", says Red-X "Now, are you ready? Garfield, do you".

"I do", says Gar.

"Raven, do you", asks Red-X.

"I do", grins Raven

"I know pronounce you, man and wii...".

"I object", shouts Mento, riding up from nowhere.

"Who asked", says Red-X, blinking.

"It's King Mento back from the crusades", gasps Speedy.

The crowd cheers, Adonis, who's mole is now on his forehead, winces.

"Boy, now I'm in trouble..." he mutters to himself.

Mento rides up to the altar and stares at Adonis.

"You are no longer worthy to wear this sacred symbol of authority", he says plucking the crown from Adonis's head and putting it on his own.

"I have watching you to see if you are ready to rule and I have made my decision." He says while holding a clipboard.

Adonis notices Cyborg reading it.

"What's it say?"

"Pansy."

"That's not fair!" whimpers Adonis "It wasn't my fault!. I got some really bad advice from the Sheriff of Fruitland."

The Merry Titans give the 'bull' cough...in unison.

"Brother, you have surrounded your given name, with a foul stench", Mento gives an evil grin "From this day forth, all the toilets in Jump City will be known as JOHN'S".

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo", screams Adonis.

"Put him in the tower", says Mento "Make him part of the tour".

Adonis cries as he is dragged away.

"Garfield, news to your great deeds have reached me even in ... Africa. Jump City owes you and you're... err... men a great deal of gratitude", says Mento "Hence forth, all your family's rights and lands shall be returned, and you shall rule all of Jump City from this day forth... well... apart from me".

He suddenly pulls out a sword from behind his back.

"Oh no, you're going to kill me", sobs Gar.

"Kneel, Garfield of Logan", says Mento, rolling his eyes "idiot."

Gar kneels and Mento places the sword on his shoulder.

"Arise SIR Garfield of Logan", says Mento.

The crowd all cheer happily.

"'Scuse me, King", says Red-X, interrupting "Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Raven".

"I have no objections. But I have not yet kissed the bride", says Mento "It is a custom and my royal right".

"Stand in", shouts dumass44

"Good", Mento sighs, " I don't want to kiss my sons girlfriend".

Elastigirl gives a maniacal laugh and morphs into Raven, taking her place.

Mento hands Red-X the sword.

"Hold this Father", says Mento.

"Rabbi", Red-X corrects.

"Whatever", says Mento.

'Raven' steps froward and goes into a lip-lock with Mento.

"It's good to be the King", muses Red-X.

Mento looks to Red-X and says "Now you may marry them".

"Thank you, your Majesty", says Red-X, handing Mento his sword "Here's your knife".

"Sword", Mento corrects, he then stands to the side with Elastigirl.

"Whatever", says Red-X with a shrug, going back to the altar "Ok, now where did we leave off? Oh, yeah, that's right. We're up to the best part. Raven, do you?"

"I do", says Raven

" Garfield, do you?"

"I do".

"I now pronounce you man and...", Red-X pauses, looking at Mento, who nods "Wife".

Gar and Raven _finally _kiss.

"Ve're gonna have to remodel ze castle, to make room for all ze babies", sobs Jinx, stroking Cyborg's arm.

"For my first order of business, I wish to appoint a new Sheriff of Fruitland", says Gar "My friend, Achoo".

He draws out his sword and hands it to Cyborg.

"Umm... thanks for the job offer and all… but I don't think… I mean it's really… yeah", stutters Cyborg while he slowly backs away.

"GOOD CALL!" shouts the crowd.

"Yeah, wouldn't want Aqualad to go after him next." Grins dumass44.

We watch Raven and Gar ride off into the sunset on 'Rent a Wreck', now with 'Just Married' tied on it's behind and cans trailing from it's tail. We hear the rap music again and cut to where Blood, Mod, Chang, Mumbo and Slade are in the woods… as they were waaaaay back in act one, tutus and everything, as Blood sings.

**And that's the story**

**And it worked out good**

**King Mento's on his throne**

**And Garfield's back in the hood**

**So let's bid our friends a fond adieu**

**And hope we meet again in Robin Hood II**

**I said hey**

**Hey**, sing the guys.

**I said hey**, sings Blood

**Hey**, sing the guys

**I said**

**Hey nanny nanny, hey nanny nanny, hey nanny nanny and a here we go!**

"God I hate tutus." mutters Chang.

"I dunno, I kind of like thith." declares Slade.

Everyone looks at him and shudders.

"What?"

We finally go to Gar's home, where he carried Raven maiden style to the bed...again.

"Welcome home, Mrs. of Logan", sighs Gar.

"Mrs. of Logan. Oh I'm so happy", grins Raven.

"Oh my dearest, should I turn the key?" he asks.

"Oh yes but please", Raven lowers her lashes " ...be gentle".

We cut to outside the castle, where we can still hear Gar and Raven's voices.

"Ummm...darling", says Gar.

"What", asks Raven softly.

"You're not going to believe this...".

"What."

"It won't open".

"WHAT".

"Wait. I have an idea. Call the locksmith".

We leave this happy scene, as the call for the locksmith sweeps across Jump City.

The End?

* * *

Well hope you guys enjoyed it. I'm thinking of writing a side story to this, let me know what you think. Oh and check out my oneshot: California girls. those two reviews are getting lonely, and you don't wanna know what their doing at night. Thank you and as always, please review. 


End file.
